For Sale: Foffa Single Speed Custom-built bicycle

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  • Moscow. 2011.

    A week heavy on the balitikas and metaxa 3 star had its wicked way on my IBS wretched guts.

    After a particularly gruelling come down we made it to Moscow central train station for the 8 hour over night train to St. Peterburgs.

    I finally rustled the courage for a beer at the station before we boarded. 1 turned into 3 and we were pissed. Joking about. Tears of laughter between us reminiscing about the weeks antics.

    I laugh. Turtle head.

    Running to the toilet I let out an almighty torrent of acrid abuse on the porcelain.

    The metaxa.

    Bout over, I reach for the paper roll.

    No loo roll. Anywhere. Our train is boarding.

    I whip off my boxers. Wipe.

    There's no bin to dispose of the crime. Behind the u bend they go.

    I run to the train and spend the next 8 hours sans pants on an overnight train in July heat in jeans. Drinking trying not to shart. One sweaty arse

  • ^ And yet Brits get so peeved when it's suggested we're a binge drinking nation.

    You did realise some poor underpaid cleaner would find your shitty pants one day, right?

    shakes head

  • Nicely told shit story though ;)

  • I'm unwilling to tell any shit stories I may or may not have for fear certain parties will relay them back to my family, girlfriend, and other people who I don't want to know about my shit.

    I confess thread

  • ^ And yet Brits get so peeved when it's suggested we're a binge drinking nation.

    You did realise some poor underpaid cleaner would find your shitty pants one day, right?

    shakes head

    Why does everyone assume that cleaners are underpaid? I have a pal who's a cleaner in the UK and he earns a fortune.

    Over here, we pay our cleaner over the odds.

  • £50?

  • ^ And yet Brits get so peeved when it's suggested we're a binge drinking nation.

    You did realise some poor underpaid cleaner would find your shitty pants one day, right?

    shakes head

    I Couldn't agree more. The things we do when pissed!

  • That story reminds me of when my 4 year old had the shits...it went down pretty much like that. Ended up telling train conductor to tell people NOT to use that toilet/put an out of order note on. Bless the NS (Dutch train company) personnel souls.

    What caused it ultimately was no change machines working to get into the paid toilets at train station. And those machines aren't managed by the NS, so they couldn't fix them in time. Which means not to toilet in time and...

  • Steady laydeez.

    I didn't know you did a stint on a pro-team:

  • That looks like the same era as the Shimano Biopace ring piece, but there isn't one on that bike.

    Did they go the same way as 10 pitch?

  • I've got a Biopace triple crank on my tourer. It's like riding over a constantly undulating road. I don't think it's function does anything apart from give me uneven cartilage wear. CSB.

  • Bio pace on my gfs bike, she can't feel it but to me it's as though the pedals are falling away under my feet. Nasty old cack

  • Talking about nasty old cack, I once shat myself whilst getting out of a mates car in a lay-by on the A31.
    I think it was a perfect storm of hangover, scotch eggs and a prawn madras the night before. Luckily I was laughing whilst it happened and I don't think anybody noticed the pained wince that followed.

  • To who, in their right mind, would opt for a Prawn Madras?

    That's got shit express written all over it!

  • Best read in a long time, keep it up guys,

  • I've got a Biopace triple crank on my tourer. It's like riding over a constantly undulating road. I don't think it's function does anything apart from give me uneven cartilage wear. CSB.

    The Thorn Forums out >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
    are very good for general touring info. With no shit stories. Or sales threads being destroyed. Or people being called cunts.

    Maybe too tame then... ;)

  • Norovirus.

    Don't.

    Get.

    Me started.

  • Go on

  • Is your stomach empty yet?

  • I once went to the toilet on a Ukrainian overnight train in winter, only to discover that lifting the lid caused snow to flurry up through the bowl. It wasn't unpleasant though.

  • I crashed on the sofa at a house party of a friend of a friend. I was the first to wake and headed upstairs to use the facilities. On the third stair sat, what must have been a perfectly curled, Mr Whippy of a turd except for the footprint in it. And subsequently on every other stair, a shitty footprint. In the bathroom, a pair of discarded be-fouled socks.
    Later a pair of shitty jeans were found in the kitchen which led to the deduction that it was one of the housemates who was responsible for the muck spreading endeavour. He decided it was best to go and get a six pack before embarking upon the cleaning mission. Quite the charmer.

  • I once went to the toilet on a Ukrainian overnight train in winter, only to discover that lifting the lid caused snow to flurry up through the bowl. It wasn't unpleasant though.

    mmm mr whippy flake .

  • circa 2004.

    parts of the story are known first hand, others have been relaid to me by my older brother.

    My older brother's best mate had been confiding in my brother, extensively, his insofar-unrequited desire to... take his girlfriend to brown town so to speak...

    Eventually, one fateful weekend, said older-brother's-friend's parents are going out of town. In all likelihood to a hotel brown town of their own. Anyway this is the opportunity that older-brother's-friend has been waiting for and so in the week's build up puts in the ground work convincing his girlfriend that this was the next step for them, a good idea, so forth.

    So the weekend comes, Saturday night older-brother's-friend wines and dines older-brother's-friend's girlfriend, locks the dog downstairs, candles, rose petals et cetera, and commences with his insofar-unrequited anal fantasies.

    Almost immediately upon completion the poor woman commences to lose any semblance of bowel control and, put briefly, pebble dashes the entire bedroom, landing, bathroom and whatever else with a fine coating of fecal matter.

    Car, running red lights, accident and emergency. Many hours later she has been given what the opposite of a laxative is, and they return home, bleary eyed, traumatised and promising each other and themselves to never, ever think of trying, or speaking of, this again.

    By this point it is mid-morning Sunday and they return to the fucking Somme. The house is in pieces. Add hours of decomposition to an already diabolical scene. Frantic cleaning, scrubbing, deodorising and dry heaving were not enough to return the house to its original state before the early afternoon return of the parents, although, all things considered, I understand they did a pretty good job.

    Upon the parents return, they can tell that, for some reason, there has recently been a significant amount of shit, everywhere. Older-brother's mate and older-brother's-mate's-girlfriend, never considering the possibility of admitting their crimes in front of parents and God, apologise and explain the dog has been unwell, and that their only crime was maybe, just maybe, giving him (dog) something unsuitable to eat.

    Some days of scans, tests and veterinary bills later, the details of which I am unsure...

    The dog is put down.

    To this day the whole episode ways heavily on older-brother's-friend's conscience.

  • I was once on a residential student training thing at Pershore College where a bloke called Barry got so drunk he found his way back to the wrong room - an unoccupied one, kicked the door in, fell asleep on the bed, woke up in the night for a poo, couldn't find his way out in the dark, did it in the bin, kicked the bin over, tried to clear it up and smeared it all over the walls, tried to escape out of the window, which was on the first floor, landed in a bush, fell asleep there and was found by the cleaners in the morning.

  • Jesus! I burst out laughing about the poor dog, I feel quit bad now too. Anal sex doesn't just hurt those directly involved.

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For Sale: Foffa Single Speed Custom-built bicycle

Posted by Avatar for wleigh123 @wleigh123

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