For Sale: Foffa Single Speed Custom-built bicycle

Ok, I know he's gone probably never to return, so it's ok for me to rep the op for starting what has to be one of the greatest threads ever.

Norovirus.

Don't.

Get.

Me sharted.

ftfy

The dog is put down.

Actual LOL in the office right here at that ^ point of the story.

tl:dr

The dog is put down.

To this day the whole episode ways heavily on older-brother's-friend's conscience.

wow. I wonder, if they knew what would have happened, would they still say the same thing.

I was once on a residential student training thing at Pershore College where a bloke called Barry got so drunk he found his way back to the wrong room - an unoccupied one, kicked the door in, fell asleep on the bed, woke up in the night for a poo, couldn't find his way out in the dark, did it in the bin, kicked the bin over, tried to clear it up and smeared it all over the walls, tried to escape out of the window, which was on the first floor, landed in a bush, fell asleep there and was found by the cleaners in the morning.

You're not Barry are you ?

Come on nick warner, every sixth form college in the country has a similar girlfriend-anal-shit-dog-put-down story.

I once watched my passed out friend wake up on the sofa, stand up, turn around, unzip his fly, piss on the sofa cushion, turn the cushion over, sit down on it and pass out again.

My partner used to work as a college porter when we were at university; after a conference she found a confused Dutchman shitting in the (admittedly odd-looking) sinks in the unisex toilet.

Also I once got a phone call from her at about 9pm, telling me to come down ASAP. They had found a room full of mobility scooters, laid out a track using chairs, and were racing them around a large hall. You can get them up on two wheels very easily. Excellent fun.

Brilliant thread for lunch break, but do you think it should now carry a NSFPL warning? PL = pet lovers

At a wedding of friends years ago one attendee there didn't have a room. They agreed he could sleep on the floor in theirs.

He repaid them by pissing on the table. In a 5 star hotel. Where it ended up on the carpet.

His excuse was that he was used to pissing in the sink in the student house. Not sure how drunk you have to be before you confused a fancy inlaid wood table with a mirror in front with a grotty kitchen sink with macaroni leftovers.

My mate was dating a girl who had 2 young girls and a german shepherd. He offered to take the kids and the dog to the park one nice day.
While in the park a car pulled up and an adult and child emerged to let the child have a crap on the grass.
My mate had been reminded to clear up if the dog pooped, so he went over and offered the adult a poop scoop bag.
The adult refused to clear up, and a row started, which soon stopped when my mate realised his girlfriends long haired german shepherd was rolling in the poop. When he yelled at the dog it freaked out.
He eventually managed to get a lead on it, and then tried to get the dog and the two little girls home, about half a mile walk from the park.
By the time he got to his girlfriends home he, the dog and the two little girls were covered in poop. The dog was getting more and more agitated as my mate was getting more and more stressed,and the two crap covered girls were in tears.
As soon as the door was opened the crap covered dog rushed into the house and ran from room to room, up the stairs, then leapt up at the girlfriend.
My mate never went back.

No shit in this story, but piss instead. Several people fell asleep in the front room after a fairly heavy party. We wake to find Daz pissing into the Sony Playstation (ps1, with the flip up lid) Jim grabbed him and guided him down the hall and out the front door with Daz continuing to sleep-piss all the way.

We put the Playstation onto a radiator to dry out, it was fine but there was piss-rime in the bit where the disc goes and it smelt of pee after an hour or so

Cross-thread from memes thread:

PS: Before somebody in Jokes thread finds this, this thread has gone to shit. I'll get my vomit splattered coat.

I was coming up off large amounts of MDMA in a grotty club and needed a shit. The toilets were the crap metal ones with piss soaked mouldy wood on the rim, I decided to hold myself up above it to avoid any kind of contact. All was going OK but I was a little distracted by trying to chew my own eyebrows off, I finished up and turned around to see a "draw your own collisions" style mr whippy turd on the back of the toilet, not in the bowl. I left the toilet with a cheery "Careful mate, some dirty fuckers left something right horrid in there." And went off to dance the night away.

The dog is put down.

To this day the whole episode ways heavily on older-brother's-friend's conscience.

Should have gone dogging.

We put the Playstation onto a radiator to dry out, it was fine but there was piss-rime in the bit where the disc goes and it smelt of pee after an hour or so

"Piss-rime" Hahah!

Once me and my mates ate some cactus after a night on the sauce, but it was pretty indigestible, and was literally the worst tasting thing ever, so it was difficult to keep down.

I was going to projectile, so I opened the front door and made a pavement pizza right on the step, which I actually found quite amusing. Al had bought the cactus, and wasn't happy it was being wasted like this. The smell and talk of my puke set my mate Will off, he was wretching pretty hard so Al grabbed a saucepan and said 'Quick, do it in here. Fucksake. Can't believe you're wasting it man'

When he was finished, Al successfully encouraged Will into picking through his pan of vomit to re-eat the cactus. He used a fork, so he's not a complete barbarian

Pavement Pizza! Mega lols!

That's right.

Those pants are shiny.

It was my 'Fancy Rock Pirate' phase.

Steady laydeez.

Oh. My. Fucking. God.

I know.

I am now your Fucking God.

Ooh, another one, wicked party just before Xmas, I overdid it as ever and rushed for the bathroom, damn, my mate was in there, hurling. I dashed to the from door and gushed a wave of XXXX over the front step.

Two hours later, as people started to leave the party, everyone slipped over in my icy vom puddle. Including someone's mum.

I'll have to find my Denny story...

From here,

https://www.lfgss.com/post1298438-55.html

My mate Denny once needed a shit.
The only thing was, he was in a room full of blokes all crashed out and he couldn't get to the door.
He'd already had a crafty wank in a hiking sock belonging to the guy who's room it was, so he thought he use the other sock for something else - shame to waste it.
With some difficulty and stifled giggling, he managed to crimp one off into the sock, holding it open over his arsehole.
He opened the window but realised there was a glass roof below, so to clear that and hit the bushes beyond he had to give the sock a really good heave. He wanged it, and the sock sailed into the distance, never to be seen again.
Denny went to sleep.
Next morning there was something of a wild rumpus in the room.
Denny opened his eyes, and saw a thin line of shit running up the far wall, across the ceiling and over the window.
The sock had had a hole in it.
The pressure of the fling had resulted in a 'dirty icing bag' effect on the shit in the sock.
He'd piped crap all over the room.
Everybody's sleeping bags had little speckles of Denny shit on them.
He was forced to flee.
Giggling.

I was at home the other night, and I needed a poo, so I went, and felt much better after.

Sorry what are we doing?