Jokes / Joke du jour!

The butcher offered me eight legs of venison yesterday for thirty quid. Must admit I had to ask my mate if he thought that was too dear.

ftfy...

Aww balls, that confirms it, uni has offically turned my brain to mush. Here's another in an attempt to make up for it:

Recently I've found myself screaming uncontrollably and running in the opposite direction from fat men with white beards in red suits.
Turns out I'm Claustrophobic.

oh.. ouch.

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.

I'm all about the anti-jokes

love it!

Paddy and Mick are sitting in a bar chatting about the holidays when Mick tells Paddy that New Years Eve is on a Friday this year. Paddy, being very superstitious, replies "Aw Jesus, I hope it's not the 13th"

whats the hardest part about roller blading?

telling your father you're gay.

met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

  This lorry full of tortoises collided   with a van full of terrapins. 
  It was a        turtle disaster.

  I told my   girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.. She said "Tenpin?" 
  I        said, "No,   permanent."

  I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" 
  The   guy said, "Do        you want an aquarium?" 
  I said, "I don't care what star sign it   is."

  I went to the local video shop and I   said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" 
  He        said, "No, you'll have to bring it   back tomorrow"

  I went to buy a watch, and the man in   the shop said "Analogue." 
  I said "No,        just a watch."

  I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. 
  I couldn't put it   down.

  I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered   just went        on and on.

  I told my   mum that I'd opened a theatre. 
  She said, "Are you having me on?" 
  I        said,   "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

  I   phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside        my   house?" 
  He said, "I'm not stopping you"

  I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me   and he told me I'd been        promoted.        I wa

  I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
  It's tiny: you couldn't   swing a        cat in there.

  I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach   me how to do the       splits. 
  He said, "How flexible are you?" 
  I said, "I can't   make Tuesdays or       Thursdays."

A pair of jump leads walk into a bar, the barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

He's a cyclepath (just the punchline)

He's fucking menthol!

Knock knock?
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

What goes "Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine!"?
A parroty error

just the punchline:

and he looks up, and this time the sun's behind him, and he sees a leper hang gliding.

So, an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman break for lunch on a construction site. English Bob realises he’s been given beef paste sandwiches again and says, ‘Bloody hell, my wife knows I hate beef paste. I can’t take it anymore. If she gives me this again tomorrow, I’ll kill myself’. Scottish Angus realises his wife has given him tuna and cucumber sandwiches again. Crying, he says ‘Bloody hell, my wife knows I hate tuna and cucumber. I can’t take it anymore. If she gives me this again tomorrow, I’ll kill myself, I swear’. Irish Sean looks at his sandwiches, and it’s ham and mustard again. Says Sean, ‘Bloody hell, my wife knows I hate ham and mustard. I can’t take it anymore. If she gives me this again tomorrow, I’ll kill myself, you mark my words’. Next day, all 3 find they’ve been given the same fillings yet again, so each man throws himself to his death from the top of the tower they’re helping to build.

At Bob’s funeral, the wives gather around, distraught. Bobs wife says, ‘I can’t believe it. Had I known Bob hated beef paste sandwiches so much I’d never have made them for him. I love him so much, what have I done?’ Angus’s wife says much the same thing, ‘All this time I didn’t realise quite how much Angus disliked tuna and cucumber sandwiches. Now look at what’s happened – all our husbands, dead. What have we done?’ Sean’s wife says, ‘Well, I really didn’t realise Sean didn’t like ham and mustard. He always insisted on making his own sandwiches, the stupid bastard’.

Much better to tell this joke than write it.

Knock knock?
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom.

just burst out laughing in the library

I wheely bin having a wank (punchline only)

what is WITH the only punchlines?!?!

Youre killing me here!

wheres you been?
wheres ya weely been?

what is WITH the only punchlines?!?!

Youre killing me here!

Most jokes consist of a punchline preceeded by a prologue, often one which juxtaposes humourously with the punchline. Hence the term punch-line.

Only telling the punchline is equates to omitting the prologue, or "build up", which preceeds the punchline.

Most jokes consist of a punchline preceeded by a prologue, often one which juxtaposes humourously with the punchline. Hence the term punch-line.

Only telling the punchline is equates to omitting the prologue, or "build up", which preceeds the punchline.
AH! Thank you for the explanation of what the punchline is... Now can you tell me why the build up has been omitted?

attach sarcasm to my post...

Now can you tell me why the build up has been omitted?

Because they are only punchlines

grrrrr....

Then they fail as jokes

'stay where you are....ee's a ham bush'

So, an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman break for lunch on a construction site. English Bob realises he’s been given beef paste sandwiches again and says, ‘Bloody hell, my wife knows I hate beef paste. I can’t take it anymore. If she gives me this again tomorrow, I’ll kill myself’. Scottish Angus realises his wife has given him tuna and cucumber sandwiches again. Crying, he says ‘Bloody hell, my wife knows I hate tuna and cucumber. I can’t take it anymore. If she gives me this again tomorrow, I’ll kill myself, I swear’. Irish Sean looks at his sandwiches, and it’s ham and mustard again. Says Sean, ‘Bloody hell, my wife knows I hate ham and mustard. I can’t take it anymore. If she gives me this again tomorrow, I’ll kill myself, you mark my words’. Next day, all 3 find they’ve been given the same fillings yet again, so each man throws himself to his death from the top of the tower they’re helping to build.

At Bob’s funeral, the wives gather around, distraught. Bobs wife says, ‘I can’t believe it. Had I known Bob hated beef paste sandwiches so much I’d never have made them for him. I love him so much, what have I done?’ Angus’s wife says much the same thing, ‘All this time I didn’t realise quite how much Angus disliked tuna and cucumber sandwiches. Now look at what’s happened – all our husbands, dead. What have we done?’ Sean’s wife says, ‘Well, I really didn’t realise Sean didn’t like ham and mustard. He always insisted on making his own sandwiches, the stupid bastard’.

Much better to tell this joke than write it.

total winner