Jokes / Joke du jour!

Come to think of it, the last time I heard this story was in the best man speech at his wedding.

I think @General_Lucifer has an explosive coffee shit on a date story*

*not him shitting on the person but while on a date**

** he probably has one of those stories too

Yeah, it’s true - I shat myself in spectacular fashion on a first date.
I wrote about it in Krapatoa Beast of Java
https://generallucifer.wordpress.com/2014/10/18/133-krapatoa-beast-of-java/

I saw a car with a bumper sticker saying "I am vet therefore I can drive like an animal."
Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

Classic

That has ruined Christmas 2019 for me.

Great writing, great story

Quite recently, I'd say within a month, I went into a butcher's in the Scottish Highlands and the butcher was standing astride an electric fire, I said "Is that your Ayshire bacon?" he said "No I spilled gravy on my sporran".

It reminds me of a sign I saw in an old fashioned butchers a few years ago: 'Will customers please refrain from leaning on the bacon slicer as we are getting a little behind with our orders'.

Yeah. I'm at set down/ pick up at Brum airport laughing my socks off....thanks for helping me pass the time.

Excellent! As of Christmas Eve, I have 10 days off in a row, think I know what my reading will consist of.

Heh. That’s marvellous. Not quite the same, but I once took a woman out on a date, we had a couple of drinks and went for a curry. We were the last couple in the restaurant and maybe we were a bit silly and the staff wanted us out, but they gave me the hottest jalfrezei on the planet. We parted and I barely made it back home before blowing my hole out. Close call, that.

Over the next few days, please spare a thought for my mate spending Christmas in a police cell after buying a load of knock off German Christmas cakes.

He's expecting to be charged later with Handling Stollen Goods...

Merry xmeh!

The man who invented the double entendre died last week.

His wife is taking it hard...

They're taking bookings for a double entendre competition at my local pub. I've just entered my girlfriend.

Even though I've gone bald I still keep the comb I've had for nearly 20 years.

I just can't part with it.

Amazon sale's on. I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Family really unimpressed with my owl impression and said it needs a lot of work. Hard to get my head around.

Finbarr Saunders thread >>>>>>>>

364 days until Christmas and the idiot next door has his decorations up already.

Wahey! #everyyearmofo!

I met this woman today who swore she recognized me from a vegan group, but I'd never met herbivore.

me: I'm quite vocal during sex
her: lol that's ok

[later in bed]
me: through megaphone stop animal testing

https://twitter.com/MarfSalvador/status/1210625767249502210