Jokes / Joke du jour!

°F I guess.

Bad Murica joke.

nice one

‘Propaganda’

what Cockneys do when they really look at something, ’round my ends..

How much does Cockney shampoo cost?

Pantene

Wanna feel old?

Shit yourself at the bank

Not sure why that made me lol so much...
Must be my age.

I'm doubled over...that's fucking brilliant. And yes. It's definitely an age thing. People are looking at me in the pub. Maybe I have shit myself.

On the train to Reading this morning a guy sat next to me, pulled a picture of his wife out of his pocket and showed it to me "She's beautiful isn't she?"
I said "If you think she's beautiful you should see my wife!"
"Is she a stunner?" He asked
"No, she's an optician"

I was reversing down my drive the other days when I said to my wife " y'know, this takes me back "

Ever since the local chippy started using magazines rather than newspapers I've eaten them out of House and Home.

Needs rep!

I’ve shit myself at Monument, that was close enough

My friend Lex shat himself at Monument and he was only about 25 at the time.

He had to ring his flatmate Dan who picked him up in his car with a bin bag on the seat.

The best bit about this story is that Lex was on a first date when it happened.

We should all have a re read of this thread over Christmas. More laughs than the joke thread

Something about Bank... Monument... column (architectural)... column (newspaper)... Lex (Financial Times column)... Bank

Needs more work.

My new business, building yachts in bungalows, is doing well. Sales are through the roof

Meh

How do you approach that with your new date? “You’ll have to excuse me, my flat mate has just shit his pants” ??

What’s the difference between light and hard?

A man can sleep with a light on.

Nah, the guy who shat himself was on the date.

Well. He should have known that dates are laxative, I guess.

new thread low

Oh wow. I misread that. That’s amazing. How scary was she?

applause

It's been a while since I heard this story but from memory they were on the tube before he realised the urgency of his impending bowel movement and sprinted off the train at the station without saying goodbye to look for a toilet.

He made it as far as the ticket office before filling his shoes so she didn't see what happened. As far as I remember, he gave her an honest explanation why he bolted. They didn't see each other again.