Jokes / Joke du jour!

Olga sounds fun.

What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

They both read popbitch?

This is an oldie but a goodie
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows
You give one to your neighbour
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the
milk away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute/
Debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all
four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of
the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island
Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the
rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual
report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States
, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
the public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you
want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow
cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and
milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have
lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners
for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have
none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade
your country. You still have no cows, but at least you are now a
Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

What do a short-sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

Amateur gynaecologist, at your cervix.

bloke goes into a pub. Asks for a pint of beer and a packet of helicopter flavoured crisps. Barman says 'sorry, we don't have any helicopter flavoured crisps'. Bloke says 'ok, I'll have plane flavoured then.'

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".Rob says,"Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious"."Well done rob,can anyone else try?". Ann says,"My nan says there's a bug around and it's contagious"."Well done ann",says the teacher."Anyone else? "Little Irish Sean jumps up "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious".

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

^Is that the best you've got?

.

In a recent interview, Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked whether he'd made the switch to Windows 7. 'No', he replied, 'I still have Vista baby'.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve your type here".

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Patsy from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy slob! Look at you just sitting there drinking beer, while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I took another long swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey old bint and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business! I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so to ease my guilt I went out and bought her one of those sit-on mowers, to show my sensitive side. I am really proud of the deal I struck, and I am also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn.

This story has a moral message guys ! We should all take good care of our wives ... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

Just wasted 15secs of my life

What do you call a black man who's just lost 30 stone?
Lenny Henry.

You've gotta admit though, it must have been hard for Lenny Henry, living in his wife's shadow for all those years.

I heard Lenny Henry is getting some decent sleep for a change at the Premier inn, he no longer has to get up at the crack of dawn anymore.

What happens when a pig, a sheep, a cow and chicken get together?

They have a meating.

I was driving down the road the other day, passed a guy in an AA van. The poor guy had his head in his hands and was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown".

I was in the cemetary the other day and saw four undertakers carrying a coffin, they were just walking around in circles. I thought to myself, "Those guys have lost the plot".

What's that? Hate your job? I hear there's a support group for people like you... it's called "Everybody" and they meet at the bar.

What do you call a black man who's just lost 30 stone?
Lenny Henry.

You've gotta admit though, it must have been hard for Lenny Henry, living in his wife's shadow for all those years.

I heard Lenny Henry is getting some decent sleep for a change at the Premier inn, he no longer has to get up at the crack of dawn anymore.

                I told those jokes at work and a girl overheard and said 'i think your fatist'

I said 'No, I think you're fattest'

I told those jokes at work and a girl overheard and said 'i think your fatist'
I said 'No, I think you're fattest'

Haha!! I can only imagine the reaction

I told those jokes at work and a girl overheard and said 'i think your fatist'
I said 'No, I think you're fattest'

That's an old Jimmy Carr joke.

well spotted...only took a week

The secret of comedy is good timing.

I read that in a Jimmy Carr book.

Russell Crowe was visiting the zoo but was getting wound up by a loud, annoying child so he picked her up and chucked her in the alligator pen where she was gobbled up instantly by the huge reptile.

When the police asked him why he did it all he could say was "I'm glad he ate her."

my lady came back with some sausages from sainsburys last night, they had a picture of Jamie Oliver on the front and on the back it said "prick with fork"

can't argue with that..

mccarthy you should suffer for that... its soooooo bad!