Jokes / Joke du jour!

mccarthy you should suffer for that... its soooooo bad!

Not as bad as the other I heard today:

A book just fell on my head. I only have myshelf to blame.

mccarthy you should suffer for that... its soooooo bad!

Do to mention a complete rip off of an already bad joke. Did you hear about the hungry roman?

If there's one thing i love doing, it's trying to pack myself into a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked them if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

:-) funny divorce letter

that was brilliant!

Sometimes it's actually a relief when an elderly relative finally dies, and you no longer have to press so hard on the pillow.

And on topic:
Investigators have found the problem that caused Nigel Farage's plane to crash.
It had two right wings.

Like it!

sometimes it's actually a relief when an elderly relative finally dies, and you no longer have to press so hard on the pillow.

And on topic:
Investigators have found the problem that caused nigel farage's plane to crash.
It had two right wings.

repped

How much does cockney shampoo cost?
Pantene.

My girlfriend was looking at me with those puppy dog eyes, and she sighed, "Ahh, I remember the time we very first met."
I said, "No you don't."
She said, "What?!"
"Urrrm, nothing..."

what do you call an irishman with his head in a bucket of shampoo?

Haha do I want to know?

tim o'tae

Hah!

What shampoo does Gerry Adams use?
Pantene Pro-V

(You guys may or may not get that)

i said it in an irish accent and still didnt get it

tim o'tae

ahahaha but i did get this

i said it in an irish accent and still didnt get it

Someone who's involved with the Provisional IRA is known as a Provo/Provy. Twas a long shot using that on a London forum I know =P

whys the grass always greener in ireland??

coz your all over here walking on ours

whys the grass always greener in ireland??

coz your all over here walking on ours

lolz repped

Stephen Fry to Dara O'Briain right? =P

is it??
i dunneh, but my dad loves that joke.
could possibly be, but that would change how i percieve my dad who is my hero and you wouldnt want to do that wouldya mick?

It means he watches QI, doesn't make him any less of a hero =P

curse you, ye little irish voice of reason ye

Just got a nice Eastern European wife, but she's been taking ages to do the hoovering...apparently she's a Slovak.

doris goes to the doctors and says 'i've got 3 fannys'. The doc takes a look and sure enough there are 3 fannys side by side. He goes away and comes back with some duct tape and puts one strip on each of the outer fannys. Doris says to the doc 'will that cure me?' the doctor says 'no but it'll stop u gettin fucked left right and centre'

doris goes to the doctors and says 'i've got 3 fannys'. The doc takes a look and sure enough there are 3 fannys side by side. He goes away and comes back with some duct tape and puts one strip on each of the outer fannys. Doris says to the doc 'will that cure me?' the doctor says 'no but it'll stop u gettin fucked left right and centre'

surely not centre unless i'm missing something?
Edit: or just being too literal