Jokes / Joke du jour!

^ Ha!

Repped and stolen...

What did the electrician's wife say when he did not come home on time ?

Wire you insulate.

Ace.

the RSPCA, Britain's largest animal charity and the Village People's disappointing second single

Just asked Siri: "Surely its not going to rain today?" She said,"it is, and dont call me Shirley" Forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode.

• Shamelessly stolen
  

Also stolen...

And repped.

Tim and Ruth were cycling down a hill. Ruth hit a tree and fell down. But Tim didn't stop. He cycled on ruthlessly.

I hope this translates well into English:

Do you know why a woman is called a slut if she sleeps with a lot of men but a man is a hero when he sleeps with a lot of woman?

Because when you have a lock and a lot of keys fit, it's a bad lock. When you have a key that it fit's into a lot of locks, it's a very good key.

Locks that work thread >>>>>€

I hope this translates well into English:

Yep. In english it is very clear that the teller is a cunt. Now fuck off.

Can't take a joke?

Come off it.

I've got a paper clip that fits into most locks but doesn't really work in any of them, what does that mean?

It means you're funny...

Could even mean you're laughing at your own expense which makes it funnier.

Funny guy

I heard that Sean Connery was responsible for putting H in Steps.

Is Sir Sean available for tennish?

Why do the ladies love a Kiwi sailor?

Cos even after two weeks on top, they still don't come first!

Why do the ladies love a Kiwi sailor?

Cos even after two weeks on top, they still don't come first!

You know there's a PM function right? Anyway, moving back to the topic of shit jokes:

I've just seen a great deal on Amazon. All of Adam and the Ants sheet music for £20, and they will throw in a stand and deliver.

Me - "Do you sell Viagra?"
Pharmacist - "Yes we do"
Me - "Can you get it over the counter?"
pharmacist - "Yeah, if you take 2 of them"

apologies if this is a repost..
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2013 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
...
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.

The US special forces have just entered Libya to capture Al-libi.
Sadly he was somewhere else at the time.

alternatively- as the raid was successful:
An al-qaeda leader was captured today by special forces.
He'll probably get off though, he has a solid Al-libi.

Etc.

Also in the news-
In russia a bear broke into a dacha to eat some soup.
The first bowl was too hot, the second too cold, but luckily by the third....

I'm sorry, these are terrible. I haven't slept well.

The second one is not so much a 'joke' as 'the beginning of a well known story'.

The first one had me a bit worried until the phrase 'solid Al-libi'. I thought, oh, I clicked on the news thread by mistake.

Sorry, I havent slept well either

I haven't got much sleep but they should help me get a little more.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2013/50-people-on-the-most-intellectual-joke-i-know/