Jokes / Joke du jour!

What's a b3ta qotw?

http://www.b3ta.com/questions/

specifically http://www.b3ta.com/questions/badgigs/

6th post down.

was linked to in their friday newsletter just before you posted so assumed you were an avid reader.

Ian Flemming died today in 1964. To find your James Bond name, you use : Surname + First Name + Surname...

What if you don;t have a surname?
Many of us here don't
apart from Schick, Oliver Schick.

I often introduce myself as James, Dancing James (on the forum) at fixie skidder events

They've just found a mummy in Egypt that's covered in chocolate and nuts.

Apparently he was the Pharaoh Rocher.

Phararaoh?

They've just found a mummy in Egypt that's covered in chocolate and nuts.

Apparently he was the Pharaoh Rocher.

How do you manage to get your facebook updates appear on this thread photoben? Clever stuff;)

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634

• Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
  
• Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
  
• Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
  
• Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
  
• Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
  
• Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
  
• Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
  
• Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
  
• Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
  
• Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
  

Number 9 is the best for me...

Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

Wait now, he's credited with the first ever shoe/sole pun joke?

^^ 3 and 8 easily the funniest, cant believe no. 1 is even in there..

When I was disappointed with my life, I used to look up at the night sky and it made me feel better. But now, I'm so over the moon.

Love Tim Vine, he's always on these lists.
From 2012

2) "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly." – Tim Vine

At the last supper, Jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,* "Take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
*
He then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "Take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

Finally, he picks up the milk, but Peter looks at him and says,* "You can fuck off." *

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

at the last supper, jesus takes the bread, blesses it, and says,* "take this, all of you, and eat it, for this is my body."
*
he then proceeds to bless the wine and says, "take this, all of you, and drink it, for this is my blood."

finally, he picks up the milk, but peter looks at him and says,* "you can fuck off." *

ha! :)

When I was disappointed with my life, I used to look up at the night sky and it made me feel better. But now, I'm so over the moon.

Last night, as I lay in bed, I looked up at the night sky and thought... Where the fuck has my roof gone?

I've heard both Lenny Henry and Elo Philips make this joke as well as a few others... It's a pretty shit joke in my opinion, so proves convergent evolution in jokes, as you'd have to be pretty shit to steal a joke and choose that one over a good one.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23753634

[*] Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
[*] Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
[*] Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."
[*] Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
[*] Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
[*] Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
[*] Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
[*] Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
[*] Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
[*] Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

Number 9 is the best for me...

As an adoptee this has just ruined lap dances for me..

Why did James Mill and Robert Owen subscribe to the theory of modern utilitarianism?

'Cos Jeremy Bentham

I lived in a warehouse for a while once. It was great but it turned into a house every full moon

Some cunt stole my piggy bank the other day. He didnt get far though it was full of coppers

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk. The young man said "I tookthe liberty of milking your cow this morning!" He then continues and says "it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly." The uncle says with a confused look " Um son we don't have a cow...We have a bull!"