Jokes / Joke du jour!

Comic timing ^
Spot on Mick

I was chatting with a friend earlier, telling him how I used to think correlation implied causation, then I took a statistics class. And now I don't. "Sounds like the class helped", he replied.

"Well, maybe..."

must spread rep

Despite my favourite joke this year being the Mandlebrot one, that one took me a while.

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... it's a man thing.

I was chatting with a friend earlier, telling him how I used to think correlation implied causation, then I took a statistics class. And now I don't. "Sounds like the class helped", he replied.

"Well, maybe..."

Ahh...

Today's one is quite good too.

Zeno: Oy Achilles, you're a cunt!
Achilles: Fuck off , Zeno!
Zeno: Chase me!

trying to 'get' those ^ ^^Zeno Jokes
I'm only halfway to understanding them

I'm sure you're nearly there...

Lols, good work, would read again.

Did you know Shimano made most of the moving parts for Star War's favorite Droid - R2-Di2?

The Droid that blew up (R5-D4) had Campag.

One of my favourites, may have already posted this but what the hell:

        You think your job sucks? Let me tell you about the people I work with.

First, there's this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I'll admit, she's pretty hot, but damn she is completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.

The next chick is exactly the opposite, she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she's still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and, to make things worse, brings his fucking giant dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King every single fucking day.

Anyways, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

My Dad said if I keep typing so loud he's going to slam my face into the oiheohokFh;whg

hahaha

would rep again, but I can't

A German, a Dutchman and a Belgian work in an Islamic country, where alcohol is strictly prohibited. However, one night they are sick of it and have a friend smuggle some booze into their village and get drunk. Off course they are caught, and the judge sentences them to flagellation.

They are Westerners however and the judge does not wanna come off as barbaric, and offers them some painrelief.

The German dude requests a rug over his back, but it doesn't make any difference.

The Dutchman asks for a mattress on his back, and nothing is felt by him. He giggles and thinks to himself: ''I bet the Belgian is too dumb to get himself a mattress.''

Finally, it's the Belgian's turn and the judge says: ''Tell me what you would like as a painrelief'' to which he responds:
''Could you tie the Dutchman on my back?''

[Disclaimer I'm Dutch] ;) Lol mmccarthy :)

I like my women like I like my coffee: on a clean table in Starbucks.

Or I would do, if I wasn't banned from every Starbucks in the country.

I've just read something that made me wet myself
~
Toilets closed.

hahahha

I'm certain this is a repost, but one of my favourite jokes:

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
His wife is lying in bed reading.
The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

^

I've been told an extended bavarian version of this - excellent, one of my favourites as well!

I like my women like I like my coffee:

Ground up in a plastic bag in the freezer.

I like my women like I like my whisky - 12 years old and mixed up with Coke?

nick nick!

The Dutch improve roads and cycle lanes.
The guy on the de-icing project has the right name for the job ;-)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-20942340

Ger, hard winters !

Haha! Awesome!