Jokes / Joke du jour!

i'm at work, so i wrote it in outlook so it looked like i was writing an email and not browsing the forum. then when I copied it into the forum, the font tags came with it. honest. you can tell it's my own work cos it's so bad

Two strings walk into a bar. The first tries to order something. "I don't serve strings in this bar," the bartender says roughly and throws him out.

The second ruffs himself up, ties his ends together, walks in, and orders. "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" the bartender says.

"Yeah," the string says.

"Aren't you a string?" the bartender says.

"I'm a frayed knot," the string replies.

^ One of my favourite jokes from cub-scouts.

The Royal family are said to be "disappointed" over a French magazine publishing pictures of Kate Middleton topless.
Me too, they're tiny.

i was in a club lastnight and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said give me your phone number sexy, i said have you got a pen, she smiled and said yes, i said well Fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices youre missing

classy

Fuckin' hell facepalm

How many Hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a number,but you won't have heard of it.

Reep

It's even told incorrectly, fixed:

How many Hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a really obscure number, you probably haven't heard of it.

In the same vein...

How much does a hipster weigh?

An instagram.

What's a hipsters favourite ice cream?

Almond and mustachio.

Awful.

just plain mustachio would work better imo

What's a hipster's favourite soup?

Gazpacho, but they were into it before it was cool.

heh heh

what's a hipsters favourite meat substitute?

s'quorn

Another ree but that seems to be the way the hipster jokes are going:

Why did the hipster burn his mouth.

Because he ate pizza. Before it was cool.

wow, super funny, congratulations!

What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland?

Well, the flag is a big plus.

My doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream.

Now all I want to do is rub it in.

When i came home last night my wife asked me to start on the tea, so i squared up to the chops and pushed the potatoes over.

LOL

whut?

why couldnt the lifegaurd save the hippy???

cos he was too far out.