Jokes / Joke du jour!

..also

From the awesome https://twitter.com/sixthformpoet

Frankel walks into a bar.
BARMAN: Why the long face?
FRANKEL: My job doesn't challenge me. Glass of champagne, please.

A dog walks into a bar. The barman says, "Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says NO DOGS ALLOWED"

The dog says, "Well, I'm not just any dog you know."

The barman says, "So what makes you so special?"

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks: "why that long face?"

The horse, being a horse, thus not being able to comprehend the complexities of a conversation, says nothing and then shits on the floor.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

ace!

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

stolen and repped to restore equilibrium

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Grams are units of mass, not weight.

But a+ joke, will retell

Which mass bag of sugar would you like me to pick up from the shop?

A+ pedantry, well done.

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.

Sorry, I can't help it, I have a debilitating disease commonly known as "being a physicist"

mabe u shuld go to critical mass then. groans

I approached a disabled man in his wheelchair and said, "Is there any way I can help?"
He said, "Yeah, give me my wheelchair back"

stolen

Martin Mor: "Watching the Paralympics has made me realise that even if I was disabled in a terrible accident, it's not the end of the world.
I would be perfectly happy watching sport all day."

Ordering McDonalds breakfast at 10.32 is like sex with your wife. You can beg and say it's only 2 minutes but you still won't get any.

Fuckers didn't even stand for the anthem.

Apologies.

^^ Did guffaw last night when the commentator said "The entire stadium are on their feet!!!"

Just had a guy knock at the door selling raffle tickets for kids in wheelchairs.

Seems an odd raffle prize.

This one's a bit disgusting but it's the only one I know:

One afternoon, three tramps, were walking through Hyde Park when they came across something on the path in front of them. They were a little worse for wear after sharing a bottle of meths they’d found outside Gloucester Rd tube station, so were confused as to what the small brown lump could be
"What do you reckon that is?” asked the first tramp, pointing to the steaming mound on the floor.
“Well, it’s probably a turd, innit, loads of dogs about. But I know a way we can find out – by smelling it!” the second tramp exclaimed.
Kneeling down above the sweating lump he placed his nose a few centimeters above it’s wet surface and took a long, deep sniff. Choking and recoiling with disgust he shouted, “Orrr! That’s a turd alright!”

The first tramp wouldn’t take his word for it and declared “That’s no way to tell, I’ll decide for myself whether that really is a shit, or you’re just faking it. What you need to do is touch it.”
The first tramp reached down towards the trembling mound and stuck his thumb and forefinger into its centre. After a quick rub to gauge the texture and temperature, the second tramp was convinced and announced “Yep, definitely a shite, no question!”

The third tramp, a veteran of the streets and never one to do things by halves, decided he’d had enough. “Out the way, you pansies, there’s only one definitive way to tell if that’s a shit or not”. Scooping up the remains of the slimy material on the path into his hand, the third tramp paused for moment, then shoved the lot into his mouth.

“Eurrgh, that’s awful! No doubt about it, what we have here is a freshly laid dog shit!

Good job we didn’t step in it”

This one's a bit disgusting but it's the only one I copied and pasted:

.

and terrible too

i know, sorry

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i just wrote it!

you wrote it with [ FONT ] tags?