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And Oldham's last run in Europe was when? Do one titface!
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Did you here about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack.
-
Susan and her husband, William, went for counselling after 27 years of marriage
When asked what the problem was, Susan went into a passionate, painfully
blistering tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 27
years they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, and so on and so on. An
entire laundry list of unmet needs and slights she had endured over the
course of their marriage, most of which William had forgotten or barely
remembered.Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Susan to
stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands around her
breasts, and kissed her passionately as husband William watched with a
raised eyebrow.Susan shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down, as though
in a daze.The therapist turned to William and said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do this?'William thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Would
you mind picking her up? -
Q: What do you call fifty-two STD-ridden prostitutes?
A: A 'Deadly Fanny Pack'.ha!
-
this is for sano!!
Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the
seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the
Pope. Grumpy leads the pack. 'Grumpy, my son,'
says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?' Grumpy
asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any
dwarf nuns in the Vatican?' The Pope wrinkles his brow
at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers,
'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in the
Vatican.' In the background, a few of the dwarfs start
giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of Rome?' The Pope, puzzled now, again
thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy,
there are no dwarf nuns in all of Rome. 'This time, all
of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy
turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy
turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf
nuns anywhere in the world?' The Pope, really confused
by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there
are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' The other
dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding
the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting. 'Grumpy screwed a penguin!' 'Grumpy
screwed a penguin!' -
I was in the pub on Saturday night. Stood at the bar was this guy with the sweetest looking dog imaginable. When the Tottenham score was read out the dog went berserk. It started growling and barking, even tried to bite a couple people nearby. I said
"flipping 'eck mate what's all that about?"
He replied,
"Oh he always does that every time Tottenham lose".
I asked him what happens when they win.He replied, "F*** knows, only had him six months".
-
oooooh they keep coming..
EVENING STANDARD (AP) - A seven-year-old boy was at the centre of a London courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Tottenham Hotspur Football Club whom the boy firmly believes are incapable of beating anyone.
-
Credit crunch jokes: (full list here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7663475.stm)
My personal favorites:
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
-
A bloke takes his mates back to his new flat after a night in the pub, after a few more beers one of them asks him what the big brass gong is on the wall?
"It's my speaking clock" he replies.
"How does it work then"?
The bloke picks up a club hammer and throws it across the room at the gong.A voice from next door shouts "For fuck sake you cunt it's twenty to three in the morning"
-
Credit crunch jokes: (full list here: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7663475.stm)
My personal favorites:
How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
Why did the Banker cross the road? - Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
For Geography students Only: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
Quote of the day (from a trader): "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
Masked man holding a bank cashier up with a gun. Says: 'I don't want any money - I just want you to start lending to each other...
Hot News from Japan:
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
-
I apologise for this one.
A man received an unexpected phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend one day, as they were chatting they lost track of time, talking about the wild, romantic nights they used to enjoy together.
The man couldn't believe his luck when she asked if he'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little bit of that old 'magic'.
'Wow!' he said. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me.'
She just giggled and said she was sure he'd 'rise' to the challenge.
'Yeah.' he said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!'
She laughed and told him to stop being so silly. She reassured him by saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure he would still be a great lover.
She giggled and said 'Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So he told her to f*ck off. -
Hot News from Japan:
In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.
Greasy Slag earlier:
-
A young Jewish girl calls her mother;
JG: "Mum I have to get a divorce"
Mum: "Whateva for my dear" ?
JG: "all he wants is anal sex, night after night." "I used to have such a lovley little arsehole the size of a five pence piece, now it's the size of a fifty pence piece I just can't take it any more"
Mum: "My dear you have a Porsche on the drive, a platinum credit card, a great big five bedroom house and four foreign holidays a year!" ......... "And you want to give up all that for the sake of 45P "
-
A young Jewish girl calls her mother;
JG: "Mum I have to get a divorce"
Mum: "Whateva for my dear" ?
JG: "all he wants is anal sex, night after night." "I used to have such a lovley little arsehole the size of a five pence piece, now it's the size of a fifty pence piece I just can't take it any more"
Mum: "My dear you have a Porsche on the drive, a platinum credit card, a great big five bedroom house and four foreign holidays a year!" ......... "And you want to give up all that for the sake of 45P "
great. crap joke, and you managed to squeeze a bit of antisemitism in, too. well done.
Platini
andypancake
Hat-Rack
dogsballs
provenrad
livingasleep
Greasy_Slag
freddo
cg5154
Fixedwheelnut
BRM
villa-ru
deleted
slamm
teddy-
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Posted by
@Pistanator
finally, a funny one!