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I was in Liverpool at the weekend and I see they're already practising for London 2012.
There were loads of people wandering around in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
Hilarious you tit!
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My sides have just split.....
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Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have suffered particularly horrible deaths. So, what's your story?"
The first man replies: "Well, for weeks now I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to catch her in the act. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could sense something was wrong, but all my searching didn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground. By now I was really mad, so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes and survived. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, pushed our old refridgerator over the edge, where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning when I was stretching my legs on the railing, somehow I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor beneath me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
The third man says, "So, I'm hiding in this fridge..."
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they're similar, but mines better... not that i made it up or anything.
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Devout Cyclist
A devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. Cyclist askes if there are bicycles in heaven. Peter says "Sure, let me show you," and leads the guy into the finest velodrome you can imagine.
"This is great!" the cyclist says. "You will love it here" says Peter. "You will be provided with a custom track bike, the mechanics will glue on fresh silk tubs each night, and your personal masseuse is always available." As they speak a blur flys by them on the boards riding a gold plated Cinelli and the cyclist says "Wow he was fast, that must be Eddy Merck!"
"No," says Peter, "that was God, he only thinks he's Eddy".
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Pedestrian vs. Cyclist
A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.
"You were really lucky there!" said the cyclist.
"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head and clutching his arm.
"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.
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Please stop
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well i lol'd :D
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Hilarious you tit!
it killed me! i had to repeat it to the best part of the office and email it out.
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says 'How about that?
I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer says
'This is a special day for me... I am celebrating.'
'This is a special day for me too,
I am also celebrating!'says the woman.
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses the man asked 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence,' says the man.'
I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but
today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'
'That's great!' says the woman,
'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence'
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not a 'joke' as such, but made me chuckle…
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then.........
he married the one with the biggest tits. -
**[FONT=Arial]An elderly man walks into a confessional. The
following conversation ensues:Man: 'I am 92 years old,
have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I
picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to
a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody..'[/FONT]**
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Posted by
@Pistanator
Did you hear about the dyslexic man, he went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?
The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...
(Get your Japanese accent ready...)
"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"