Jokes / Joke du jour!

Two snowmen in a garden
one says to the other "i can smell carrot's"

knock knock.....

Who's there?

Old lady.......

Old-lady-who.....

Stop yogeling!

I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, 'Is that the local swimming baths?'

He said, 'It depends where you're calling from.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head.
Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?'

'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

knock knock.....

Who's there?

Old lady.......

Old-lady-who.....

Stop yogeling!

Didn't you mean;

knock knock

who's there?

little old lady

little old lady who?

Stop yodeling!

Not really a joke....but this just had me in fits.

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=A3CzptgIvcU

genius man! reminds me of parties i used to go to (music NOT the bible bashers)

that vid is amazing...

haha

similar but slightly wrong

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nVbXcVGTyUk

Indeed AndyP, got it of the gorgeous one from Eastenders, what's her name.....Heather.

two parrots sitting on a perch. one says to the other, "can you smell fish"?

two cannibals chewing on a clown. one says to the other , "does this taste funny to you?"

two goldfish sitting in a tank. one says to the other, "how do you drive this thing?"

two cows standing in a field, one says to the other, "Mooooo" and the other one says "that's funny, i was about to say that".

can we stop it with the paedo jokes - ta.

the first ones were a bit funny, as they were unexpected

but keeping the same gag going, and then:

"what do you call a baby with a ....."
is really fucking crass, no the first ones were crass, that sounds like your mocking your dark inner desires like a raging gay-basher truly horny for ass.

yep, props for agreeing, but in quoting it you repeated it. To little effect other than to make more people read it.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's bill withers....

English man, Irish man, Scots man and a Welsh man walk into a pub.....the barman says 'is this a joke?'

Work starts on a new house next door to six-year-old Jenny's house.
The little girl becomes fascinated by the activities and soon becomes a favourite of the building workers.
They give her a hard-hat of her own, and a little tool belt and she enjoys helping them out, carrying tools for them and generally making herself useful.
When Friday comes around, they all chip in to give her a pay-packet of her own, which she proudly takes home to Mum and Dad.
They tell her that since she's earned her very first wages that she should learn about responsibility for her finances and that they'll take her to the bank in the morning to open an account of her own.
Next day, they are in the bank and explain the situation, the teller is very impressed by Jenny, her sensible attitude and her hard work and says: "And will you be working on the house again next week Jenny?"

She replies: "I hope so, but to be fair, it all depends on if those cunts at the builders' merchants can get their fucking act together and ship us the right bricks."

What do rednecks do for Halloween?

Pump kin

Work starts on a new house next door to six-year-old Jenny's house.
The little girl becomes fascinated by the activities and soon becomes a favourite of the building workers.
They give her a hard-hat of her own, and a little tool belt and she enjoys helping them out, carrying tools for them and generally making herself useful.
When Friday comes around, they all chip in to give her a pay-packet of her own, which she proudly takes home to Mum and Dad.
They tell her that since she's earned her very first wages that she should learn about responsibility for her finances and that they'll take her to the bank in the morning to open an account of her own.
Next day, they are in the bank and explain the situation, the teller is very impressed by Jenny, her sensible attitude and her hard work and says: "And will you be working on the house again next week Jenny?"

She replies: "I hope so, but to be fair, it all depends on if those cunts at the builders' merchants can get their fucking act together and ship us the right bricks."

it's a good 'un...

Bonnie Prince Charlie...
The only royal to be named after three sheepdogs...

[SIZE=2]Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What
about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that
I started running all over the house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched,and down into the basement. Then
I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
[/SIZE]

arf!

BREAKING NEWS:

Police have re-arrested Gary Glitter.
They found Class A drugs in his car, Class B drugs in his kitchen,

and Class 5C in his bedroom...

Mick is standing on the banks of a river and Patrick is standing on the other side of the river.
Mick yells over to Patrick "Oi Patrick how do you get over to the other side?"
Patrick yells back "You are on the other side "

BREAKING NEWS:

Police have re-arrested Gary Glitter.
They found Class A drugs in his car, Class B drugs in his kitchen,

and Class 5C in his bedroom...

Old Jacko joke?