Jokes / Joke du jour!

It's ok for Santa to come through keyholes, yet when I tried it I was put on the sex list. Yet again it's one rule for the famous

Topical one for you guys:

Was walking down the street today when a snowplough drove past and covered me in all sorts of shit. "Bastards!" I said, through gritted teeh.

good joke, more like its running out--- were importing it from Europe and its coming on ships then big juggernauts to depots through out the land.

Was listening to the radio there and was reminded of this one:

Batman just ran in and clobbered me over the head with a vase while shouting "T'Pau!". When I stumbled back to my feet I asked didn't you mean "Kapow?". He replied "No, I had china in my hand."

I shagged a girl with OCD last night and she told me she was obsessed with doing everything alphabetically so first we did Anal, then she gave me a Blowjob then i played with her Clit, then i took her Deep. . then i got up, and she shouted oi what about E? I said ive Ejaculated, now i'm
Fuckin
Going
Home

I used to work in an abattoir. Stunning cows. The sheep weren't bad either.

A crackhead walks into a bar asking for a toothpick, feeling intimidated the barman obliges. 2 minutes later another one walks in, also asking for a toothpick again the barman gets one out and gives it to him. minutes later a third walks in. Fed up and equally confused , the barman says
"toothpick?"
-"no a straw please, someone threw up outside and all the good bits are gone"

my sister told me that today.

During the current cold weather the government are advising us before embarking upon any journey to make sure we have a snow shovel, a bag of rock salt, extra clothing, warm drinks, food and a sleeping bag.

I looked a right fucking idiot on the bus this morning.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan.
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

Her husband responds, But they are twins, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

Yeah, I don't get the bus most mornings ;)

ninja

And he replied "I don't know, I'm a tobogganist."

I can't even smell my own name!!!

And he replied "I don't know, I'm a tobogganist."

So the skiier said, "Well, in that case, I'll have 20 B&H please."

two blind men walk into a wall

I used to work in an abbatoir stunning cows,
the sheep werent bad looking either

pollen counter,
thats a hard job.

I used to work in an abbatoir stunning cows,
the sheep werent bad looking either

I posted that last page dude!

Pollen counter one is good. Think that's a Milton Jones one.

have you heard the one about the magic tractor?

it went down a lane and turned into a field.

• What's posh and yellow?

• The royal wee.

Bear Grylls is to trek across australia with only a can of alphabet soup. He has to be careful as if he drops it, it may spell disaster.

.

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

please, my sides are splitting! literally!!