Jokes / Joke du jour!

Posted on
Page
of 336
  • BBC NEWS: French Chef commits suicide after critics attack.

    After further investigation, it turns out he simply lost the huile d'olive.

  • Is it OOO to do Joanna Yeates jokes?

  • Depends. Is it actually a funny joke?

  • not really...

  • Is it to do with a Tesco Finest mozzarella, tomato and basil pesto pizza?

  • No. Missing sock and Heather Mills

  • Oh Heather, when will she stop haunting us?

  • when i got in yesterday there was a letter in the post, it said "do not bend"
    i thought how am i gonna pick it up?

  • nice

  • A guy gets a knock on the door, and answers it to reveal two police officers. "Sir, we've come to speak to you regarding the dangerous behaviour of your dog. It has been seen chasing a man on a bike."

    "Fuck off" replies the guy, "My dog hasn't got a bike."

  • I woke up this morning to a tap on the door.

    My plumber sure has a strange sense of humour.

  • Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."
    The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?"
    "Don't worry." said Peter, "It's just another one of his parabolas."

  • A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's licence. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

    Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's licence says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

  • I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for xmas.

    Unfortunately I misunderstood what it was, which is why I spent a week in casualty.

  • Oh Mick.

    How do you give a lemon an orgasm?

    Tickle it's citrus.

  • Oh Ben.

    I don't get it?

  • I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for xmas.

    Unfortunately I misunderstood what it was, which is why I spent a week in casualty.

    Would work better as just 'which is why I spent a week in casualty'

    Doesn't need the extra bit of set up - and it has greater 'pull back and reveal' kept simple

    IMHO

  • "Greater pull back and reveal" smacks of playing "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" with the girl down my street when I was eight years old.

    She renéged. :-(

  • Oh Ben.

    I don't get it?

    *Really? *

  • No. Missing sock and Heather Mills

    Hah! I loved that one

  • *Really? *

    Really. :-(

  • How to you titillate an ocelot?

    You oscillate its tit a lot.

    /dadjoke

    I heard a bloke say that in a pub quiz to his friend when there was silence afte a question. He got it wrong and just said "oscillate her tits."

  • there was a black piece of tarmac and he walked into a bar, he banged his fist on the bar and demands a pint of beer... shouting how hard and dangerous he is... the bar man gives him his beer and he starts drinking it, when all of a sudden a red piece of tarmac walks into the bar. the black piece cowers under a nearby ...table. The red piece walks up to the bar and bangs both fists on the table and demands two pints of beer and says hes double hard. and dangerous.... the bar man gives him his drinks which he drinks and then leaves.. the black piece still shaking gets up from his hiding spot.. the barman asks " what happened to you, i thought you were hard and dangerous?" the black piece of tramac replies... " i am, but that red tarmac is a cyclepath"

  • oh, rik.

  • A cop pulls a car over and asks to see a driver's licence. He looks at it and asks "Dr. Heisenberg, do you know how fast you were going?" Dr. Heisenberg answers, "I have no idea. But I know precisely where I was."

    Later the cop pulls a second car over, and after looking at the driver's licence says "Dr. Schroedinger, I noticed you were driving erratically. Do you mind if I search your car?" Dr. Schroedinger gives him permission. After searching, he comes back to the driver's window. "Dr. Schroedinger, are you aware that there's a dead cat in your trunk?" Dr. Schroedinger says, "Well, there is now."

    lol'd

  • Post a reply
    • Bold
    • Italics
    • Link
    • Image
    • List
    • Quote
    • code
    • Preview
About

Jokes / Joke du jour!

Posted by Avatar for Pistanator @Pistanator

Actions