Jokes / Joke du jour!

ties one end of belt around neck and the other to a chair

jumps out of window

'stay where you are....ee's a ham bush'

My Dad once went to a fancy dress party dressed as Native America Chief, covered in gammon steaks, for this exact punchline.

best joke ever

Here's another similar one:

A byte comes into a bar, looking disheveled.
Bartender asks, "What happened to you?"
The byte replies, "Parity error."
Bartender nods his head, "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off".

A baby seal walks into a club...

BwahahahHhaah!

A man got fed up with a hipster organized social group with Colnagos. He went after them with a heavy big stick.

He was about to club the club-cycle club.

(Where's my coat?)

even balki's is better than that, and thats sayin alot!

also balki check your pm's

A dwarf goes into a butchers to get some fillet, but then turns around, and walks out.

His mate says "what's up"?

He says "couldn't do it - the steaks are too high".

Here's another similar one:

A byte comes into a bar, looking disheveled.
Bartender asks, "What happened to you?"
The byte replies, "Parity error."
Bartender nods his head, "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off".

Like

Here's one I just made, it's still warm (and shit)

Why did 192.168.177.1 make all the food for 192.168.177.118/25

Because he was the host

ties one end of belt around neck and the other to a chair

jumps out of window

the belt is certainly long enough

What's brown and ryhmes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

quality

What was Grayson Perry doing in that Rolls with Prince Charles last night?

Ouch

But Camilla was so shaken, Charles had to calm her down by giving her a sugar cube

Ouch

best joke ever

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who do not.

I dones a whole loads of Matt Cardle (X Factor winner) jokes today, varying degrees of awfulness - thing to bear in mind is that Matt is (soon will be again when 'career' inevitably bombs) a painter and decorator:

I heard the first thing Matt is going to do with his winnings is splash out on a new undercoat

After winning the X Factor last night, Matt went out to paint the town Magnolia

There wasn't a dry seat in the house when Matt sang last night. He forgot to put the wet paint signs on the chairs

The thing about Matt is, he's not some fly by night amateur. He's a serious recording Artex

Nice to see Matt win last night and take the Crown. Although he usually prefers the coverage you get with Dulux

When Matt announces his tour dates I tell ya I will be first in the B&Q for tickets

Matt only won the X Factor due to the fans in his town - apparently it's a huge Homebase of support

Some people slated Matt's vocals as lacking depth, but for me they were full of pure emulsion

The X Factor winner Matt Cardle is very popular but personally speaking he gets on my Wickes

• Some people slated Matt's vocals as lacking depth, but for me they were full of pure emulsion
  
  

*That's the best one. Talking of puns...

There was a doctor who had trained in chemistry. His patients knew he would either helium or barium.

who?

YouTube - Harry Styles whispers to Matt Cardle - 'think how much pussy your going to get' X Factor Final 2010

A Russian couple were walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining" he said to his wife." No, that felt more like snow to me" she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it" the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?", "It's raining, of course" he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

new depths of lameness!!

I pride myself on my ability to lower the bar when everyone else thinks it can go no further.

limbo?

Limbo was a terribly painful bit of our xmas party this year.

My back is still killing me.

[Danny Glover]I'm too old for this shit.
[/Danny Glover]

like that Rudolph joke, quality groaner, been around a while but theres nothing wrong with being topical after all.
going to work today, just arrived at the office?

mick that rudolph joke is the one i'll be telling at christmas dinner. i'm expecting the groans to be awesome.

I got an interview soon