Liar's Wednesday

Autocorrect on Iphones is responsible for 74% of all relationship break-ups

iphone auto carrot is prefect lie funk ton ale.

weebles don't wobble , they fall over

treacherous creatures too , don't cha know

Forty quid for a new tyre? Where do you buy tyres from?

Not in London thats for sure.

this wednesday is the last wednesday that it is possible to buy caviar with a credit card a Halfords food hall.

'Game of Thrones' is a Belgian tv programme where contestants dance around a number of toilets until the music stops. The contestant who is without a toilet has to shit on the floor.

In the time after the collapse of the Roman Empire, a remarkable man shaped our current celebrations of Easter.

A dark skinned man, assumed to be a moor by the local tribes, appeared in what is modern day Sussex around the year 450. Gentle in his demeanour and knowledgeable about local plant life and the movements of the stars, he became something of a shaman to the local descendents of the Ieceni tribes who were rapidly integrating with the Anglo-Saxons. He was revered by the locals for his ability to heal even the most grievous of battle injuries and saved many a mother and child from the perils inherent to giving birth before the days of proper medicine.

He was known for his fantastic tales about his homeland as he described the traditions of his people and of the amazing creatures that inhabited his land. Often during the winters, which affected him more than anyone else, he would speak of his home with a weary sadness in his eyes and repeat the stories he had told a thousand times.

One such story, the one of a small furry creature that laid eggs, sparked an argument between two drunken chieftains. The argument quickly escalated, swords were drawn and before too long one chieftain lay bleeding to death on the ground. The dark skinned man leapt into action and saved the chieftains life. The chieftain recovered and later the same year in a bloody war of revenge managed to become the regional warlord.

Sadly, the dark skinned man died soon thereafter, on the spring festival of Eostur. To honour the man who saved his life, the chieftain celebrated the story he was telling on that fateful day. A legend was created around the egg laying small furry creature. Over time the connection between the rabbit and eggs were made. The early Christian church adopted the stories and the legend and influenced our celebration of Easter today. The dark skinned man was called Akala and was what we would call today an Australian aborigine who went walkabout further than anyone else. He was describing a Platypus. Easter as we know it, is an Australian holiday.

^Jesus wept.

Greg Dyke cut his teeth in the BBC as Art Director on the first 2 series of Chucklevision

Sources say he left at the beginning of series 3 'in order to maintain his artistic integrity'

Southern water companies are considering suing over the large amounts of rain currently being experienced following their drought statements.
"We expect this up north, but down here this is unacceptable. someone will have to pay" - southern water board spokesperson.

It's wednesday already !

^^^^^ epic!

Shaving off your pubes makes your knob grow three inches longer.

There are more people eating a banana right now, than there are hairs on your arms.

I love my job and wake up every morning humming that brilliant music from the Tropicana adverts, such is my excitement at the prospect of another exciting day at work.

Shaving off your pubes makes your three inches knob appear longer.

tru fax

Jeremy Clarkson, receives over £185,000 a year in royalties from the Daily Express.

His grandmother wrote the Rupert The Bear stories, for Clarksons' Dad when he was a kid. The company is based on the Isle of Man (Where Clarkson owns a lighthouse) in order to minimise the tax liability.

He is said to wear Rupert Jammies on the 1st of April every year to celebrate his Grand-mothers birthday

John Regis has his right ear surgically reduced in size to enable him to run round the bend on the 200m slightly faster.

If you say his name backwards three times Noel Edmonds will appear before you bent over, lubed up, and ready to go.

Dartboards are made from Agave Cactus.

John Regis has his right ear surgically reduced in size to enable him to run round the bend on the 200m slightly faster.

ahem left ear

Jeremy Beadles mother was very "accommodating" downstairs which is sadly why he has a deformed hand.

When the time came for him to exit the womb her bucket like proportions meant that there was no need for contractions he was able to just come out, a bit like a messy waterslide, he didn't even touch the sides and therefore his mum didn't notice. Unfortunately when the last part of his body, his right hand, was passing through is mother's cervix a rare medical phenomenon occurred and her snatch spontaneously tightened up becoming like that of a 50 year old nun. This unfortunate turn of events meant that the young MR Beadle spent the first three weeks of his life dangling by his right hand between his mother's legs, as the umbilicus was still attached he survived, however the blood supply had been cut off from his hand for so long that its growth was permanently stunted.

ahem left ear

Right ear. The reduction lowers drag on the right side making it faster than the left, the result is a gentle curve leftwards.

Given the curve of the bend, a larger ear on the left hand side would optimise the air flow to ensure you ran faster.

Shaving off your knob makes you pubes appear three inches longer, as my nuts closely resemble gandalf already I've not put this into practice. In similarly wizardly news, shaving the mingebush of an enemy into a lightning bolt motif was a sign of respect and a hoped for truce amongst Amazonian tribes. The pubic lightning bolt is enjoying a resurgence among fans of J K Rowling, symbolising Harry Potter's forehead scar. Rowling herself has been quoted as saying "That's utter shit, you're just a pervert weirdo", which speaks volumes.

Right ear. The reduction lowers drag on the right side making it faster than the left, the result is a gentle curve leftwards.

i stand corrected