Jokes / Joke du jour!

If I'm honest...

Every Pope joke I have heard so far has been fucking shit.

BBC News: 'Pope Hailed' Must be a sign from God, that's an anagram of paedophile.

I refer the honourable samdaniel to Max Crowe observation..

Leave it. Da Popeski''s said sorry. It's all good from now on in.

A man in a London Tesco tries to buy half a cauliflower. The very young produce assistant tells him that they only sell whole cauliflowers. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, Some prat out there wants to buy half a cauliflower.
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, and this kind gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.

Later the manager said to the boy, I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

Liverpool, sir, the boy replied.

Well, why did you leave Liverpool? the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers up there.'

Really? said the manager. My wife is from Liverpool.

Your kidding? replied the boy. Who did she play for?

I went to the doctors yesterday, due to my new dietary regime, and she told me I was deficient in both b6 and b12. So I ate eighteen bees last night and my mouth feels fucking terrible.

^ Awful, heh.

and thats the start of a stewart lee stand up set.

Nope. Stuart Lee uses this as an example in a routine about famous stand ups plagiarising from less famous ones. I think it was Jim Davidson stealing it from Michael Redmond.

Man walks into a cocktail bar and looks at the menu.

"Hmm, i'll have a Bullfrog please"

So the barman makes him a Bullfrog and he happily drinks it.

Off the man goes, winding his way home, when he sees a bullfrog hop in front of him

"Hey!" says the man "i just had a cocktail named after you!"

The bullfrog looks at him, confused.

"What? you had a cocktail called Derek?"

Some cunt just threw a lump of cheese at the back of my head. I just told him that wasn't very mature.

Did you hear the story about the corduroy pillows?

It's making headlines.

What's the best way to carve wod?

Wittle by wittle.

Do camels wearing tight lycra shorts suffer from human toe?

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer!

Terrorist Threat levels by country

In England we feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised our security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” We have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time we issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the frontline in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability. It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout loudly and excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Threeo more levels remain”: Ineffective Combat Operations”, “Change Sides” and "Retreat".

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and”Lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on small countries and all their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA!”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “Shit, I hope Australia will come end rescue us”. In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called “Bondi”.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain, “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final two escalation levels .

My local pub have just scrapped plans to introduce bigger glasses for the blind. No-one could see the pint

did you make that up?!

yeah. is it shit? - one liners for a competition on Twitter - the punnier the better

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it's pointless!

^Stolen from Blackadder. Come on dude.

Epic fail on posting a well-known joke. Double epic fail for not recognising it was from Blackadder. Triple epic fail for doubly epically failing.

i thought thats what the irish do best tell jokes and drink g? useless for everything else.

Don't forget killing the English...

i thought thats what the irish do best tell jokes and drink g? useless for everything else.

No, not telling jokes. Being the punchline for them.

Surely "Being the jokes" would've been a better response ;)

don't forget killing the english...

lol

Man gets arrested for domestic violence. In the station, the officer says:

"This isn't the first time we've arrested you on this charge, why do you keep beating your wife?"

"There's a few reasons" the man says. "Height, weight, reach advantage."