Jokes / Joke du jour!

I like the Pope, the Pope smokes dope,

topical one for ya there folks.

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

When she sits on your face you can't hear the stereo.

The grim reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death!

The grim reaper came for me last night but I beat him off with the vacuum cleaner. Talk about dyson with death!

I was eating my tea last night when I suddenly thought to myself, "This milk must be seriously out of date."

I was sucking off this Thai girl last night and then I thought "Hang on second..."

one of my friends from york put this as his status on facebook
"I lost my phone last night, if anyone finds it can you text me".

I asked a 100 women what shampoo they used in the shower?

98% said "how the fuck did you get in here"

Fucking love it dude!

Very Emo Phillips.

Charity single just released for the Pakistani flood disaster...........Rain drops keep falling on Ahmed

I asked a 100 women what shampoo they used in the shower?

98% said "how the fuck did you get in here"

Reminds me of Michael Redmond's (Father Stone in Father Ted) classic

(after appearing on stage in raincoat, silent for 45 seconds, just staring into distance) "People often say to me........what are you doing in my garden?"

He has effectively built himself a very nice career with just that one line

and thats the start of a stewart lee stand up set.

it is, shows the influence that it has

I've just downloaded the complete Koran.

Anyone want me to burn em a copy?

A rabbit was hopping through the forest when he came upon a giraffe rolling a spliff. The rabbit said, "Giraffe, don't do drugs. Come run with me through the forest." The giraffe looked at the rabbit, then at the spliff. He dropped the spliff and ran off with the rabbit. They came upon an elephant snorting coke. The rabbit said, "Elephant, don't do drugs. Come run with us through the forest." The elephant looked at his razor blade and mirror, tossed them away and began running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then came across a lion about to shoot up. The rabbit said "Lion, don't do drugs. Come, run with us through the forest." The lion looked at the rabbit and then at the needle. He put down the needle and started to beat the crap out of the rabbit. Horrified, the giraffe and elephant asked, "Lion, why are you doing this? He was only trying to help." The lion replied, "This little f*cker? He makes me run around the forest like a f*ckin idiot every time he's on ecstasy..."

In a pub quiz last night I lost by one point.

    One question I got wrong was " where do women mostly have curly hair?"
    Apparently, it's Africa

not that i know any but it would be nice and topical to get some pope jokes up here
anyone ?

I like the Pope, the Pope smokes dope,

topical one for ya there folks.

.

not that i know any but it would be nice and topical to get some pope jokes up here
anyone ?

"Hey muthafuckker, I'z da Pope
An itz my job to bring you hope".

Ladies and gentlemen: Cardinal Rap Singer.

If I'm honest...

Every Pope joke I have heard so far has been fucking shit.

if someone who is more wordy can do something with this skeleton of a joke but it goes something like

pope, head of the worlds largest paedophile network driving round in what looks to all intents and purposes an icecream van

very dodgy

Newly-wed couple sitting on the sofa. Man turns to his wife and says 'I've got a challenge for you - I bet you can't tell me something that will make both happy and sad at the same time'.

'Easy!' she says. 'Out of all your mates, you have the biggest cock'

and thats the start of a stewart lee stand up set.

No it isn't. He does a set about how Joe Paquele stole it. On YouTube.

I almost got the job
of being Kate Winslett's masseur. But they told me it was $50,000 a year. I said "Look, I really want the job, but I just can't afford that much."

If I'm honest...

Every Pope joke I have heard so far has been fucking shit.

I asked this German if he could tell me where the Pope lives
He replied...Vat I can

yep, still shit.

BBC News: 'Pope Hailed' Must be a sign from God, that's an anagram of paedophile.