Jokes / Joke du jour!

A gardener friend of mine has been in a bad place for some time now. They are questioning their true sexual orientation and think that their menial work is beneath them.
I’ve told them to make some decisions and stop sitting on the fence.

An Abba tribute band was busking on the high street last night.

You could hear the drums from Nando's.

Not bad

(a)ha!

Would work better in Scottish vernacular

fae Nandos

Were they playing on didgeridoos?

That'd be Abba-riginal

This happened yesterday and if I had been 3 seconds quicker would have been an excellent mic drop moment.
I was in the queue for the tills at Wickes with a trolley full of wood. The guy behind me dropped a plastic bottle of white spirit which bounced and rolled under my trolley. If I'd have thought of the punchline then it would have been perfect but I moved my trolley so that he could pick it up. It was then that I said "That's solvent abuse". Those that heard it laughed. You had to be there.

I'd have gone with "keep your spirits up"

Yeah, that’s the chap!

Do you know how The Rock does a wee?

He dwaynes his Johnson

What did the sea monster get from the takeaway

portion of ships

what did the hungry sea monster get from the takeaway

a large ships

what did the thirsty sea monster get from the takeaway

large ships and a drink

A long running dispute between two academics over erectile disfunction research has been settled amicably
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Both parties said they had no hard feelings

I've been restoring a vintage car. First job was to pull the radiator out, behind which was a lovely old original fireplace...

The management of the dwarf museum would like to apologise for the long delays for entry today
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Apparently they were really short staffed

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A contortionist friend of mine has won an award for their customer service skills
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The judges said she bent over backwards to help

It is tradition, at Mexican funerals, to eat chocolate.
The type of chocolate eaten is especially made for these solemn and grave occasions.
It is called sombrero.

Sombre Aero. Is that the gag?

I'm trying to sell all my old dogging equipment on eBay. Not had any bids but there's loads of people watching.

Where do super heroes do their shopping?

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In the super-market

Edinburgh fringe top ten courtesy of the guardian

Olaf Falafel: Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.

Leila Navabi: I have an unconscious bias. I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.

Sikisa: Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.

Liz Guterbock: The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.

Richard Stott: I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter. I went cold Turkey last year.

Ginny Hogan: Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself. If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.

Alison Spittle: What does Kylie sing while counting sheep? I can’t get ewe out of my head.

Eric Rushton: There’s a lot of shame surrounding sex. After I have sex with someone, they often whisper “that’s a shame”.

Kuan-Wen Huang: My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only, then it was contactless.

Amos Gill: Last year, I had a great joke about inflation. But it’s hardly worth it now.

That feels like a pretty underwhelming selection. My preferred variant of the first is:

"Not knowing much about Greek mythology is my Achilles Horse."

Achilles Eel works better, I think. Only really works when written though.