Jokes / Joke du jour!

I also saw a show about a guy who would go into a busy area dressed up in a black and white suit eating bamboo. I didn't like it though, I think it was pandering to the crowd.

Finally got round to watching the final scene of the shining

aMAZEing

I read a thread on LFGSS that was just page after page of people writing things that have a supposedly humourous double meaning.

It was punishing.

Ernest Hemingway wanted to change the title of his famous novel to "who does the bell toll for" but the publishers decided it didn't have the same ring to it

What do you call a dog that performs magic?

A Labracadabrador

Saw a documentary on apathy and procrastination last night.

I wouldn't bother; it was a waste of time.

I saw a documentary about human sexual behaviour the other night.
It was a hard watch but I came away from it feeling much better.

There was another about erectile disfunction that wasn't as hard a watch as I was expecting.

Doesn't sound very gripping ...

Not exactly the uplifting viewing you were hoping for?

"The building of Chesterfield's Spire"?

What a twisted thing to suggest.

I watched a documentary about apathy and lack of commitment amongst staff at the local sewage works
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They were just going through the motions

I was struggling to watch a documentary on the national rifle association
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I had to look at the TV manual's trouble shooting guide

trouble shooting

…and we’re back to the erectile dysfunction

Would have thought it's about projectile dysfunction but ok 💁

A mosaicist and roofing contractor friend of mine are nursing hangovers
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After a rather good night on the tiles

I learned two things yesterday. Firstly, semen doesn't actually cure eczema. Second, they've jailed my dermatologist. Shame, I quite liked going to his caravan.

Stolen from Gary Delaney

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows.

He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I… I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to.

My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us.

And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…

Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good.

And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on

That works so better in spoken form, and by Norm Macdonald

Jerry Springer died yesterday. A few years ago my wife told me she wanted to see the Jerry Springer Show being filmed for her birthday. So I got her sister pregnant.

Jerry Springer was born on the platform in Highgate tube station.

A batrachologist friend of mine forgot to renew their parking permit
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The council have toad away their vehicle

A trapeze artist friend of mine has let me know they're bisexual
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She swings both ways