Jokes / Joke du jour!

i read the first line and the last line and checked thai wasn't in the list before copying and pasting !

Queues at Stanstead were so bad a bloke passed out on the luggage carousel!

He's slowly coming round.

Those two jumped out at me and I went and googled. Probably the first time I've learned something on this thread.

Why do you never see elephants hiding up trees?

Because they’re really good at it

The builder next door caller me a “paranoid fucking weirdo”

In Morse code with his hammer

I've only just seen this so I sent it to my mate Frankie (former Naval comms officer) followed by this
..-. ..- -.-. -.- / --- ..-. ..-. / ..-. .-. .- -. -.- .. . / -... --- -.--

if you drive a Subaru backwards, what are you?

u r a bus

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It seems like Sudocrem has been in the news a lot recently.

I don't use Sudocrem. I prefer Aldi's own brand: Pseudocrem.

Ordering crispy duck for the table is always a great idea, unless you're the one getting the bill.

I panicked when the table wanted me to order for them, just had to wing it.

Then I thought, duck this I'm off, and legged it.

My GF asked me to cook a duck she got from the butchers the other day as she didn't know what to do with it.

I told her that could be orange'd.

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

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I tried cooking duck for the first time the other day but really overdid it, I underestimated the mallard reaction.

Yes!

My son's favourite at the moment: Dr Dr, I've broken my arm in two places
Dr: don't go to any of those places again

That’s a great one ☝️

Does he know Tommy Cooper's one on a similar theme?

Doctor, it hurts when I press here... here... and here.
Dr: You've broken your finger.

The duck waddled over to my table and said "Your eyes are limpid pools of desire". I said "Waiter, I asked for aromatic duck".

What is a giant's favorite 80's soul ballad album?

Peabo Bryson - I Smell The Blood Of An Englishman

Pregnant woman with twins wakes up after a a month in a coma.

“How are my babies?” She asks

“All fine” the nurse says “your brother was around for the birth and he’s named them”

“Oh” she’s says “what did he called them?

The girl he called “Denise” “that’s nice” she says “ and what did he call the boy?”

“Denephew”

Stolen from internet:

Astronaut: To avoid crashing into the planet we'll have to swing round, using Saturn as a fulcrum
Houston: You're torqueing out of Uranus

A perfect joke

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