Jokes / Joke du jour!

However many CDs you own Carl Benz has Mercedes.

I’ve just discovered Chekhov’s Vodka, which means someone’s getting drunk tonight!

following a drop in sales, David Byrne's perfume business has ceased trading

He announced today they would stop making scents

Winner!

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL!"

You mean someone's getting drunk in 3 days

My favourite teacher at school was mr turtle
.
.
He tortoise really well

If you made that one up Jah-Tim, that’s a thread-ender.

It's almost a direct steal from Alice in Wonderland, so don't close the thread yet. Teacher who was a turtle but they called him Tortoise. "Why?" asks Alice.

"We called him Tortoise because he taught us!" said the Mock Turtle, angrily

Reeling, writhing and fainting in coils.

For a joke I thought was very funny and clever, it appears I was completely wrong.

Have a cry to take back any laughs.

It was funny in principle
Appreciated the attempt, though the joke needed more recognition of the 2/3 act framework described in chekov's og quote

If you say in the first chapter that there is a rifle hanging on the wall, in the second or third chapter it absolutely must go off. If it's not going to be fired, it shouldn't be hanging there."

It’s like explaining the joke but even better IMO.

I went into Sports Direct and they were playing the music of Prince over the loud speaker.

The song went "Tonight I'm gonna party like it's 1999... previously £29.99!"

It's bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it 'The Scottish Laptop'

I can't stand Russian dolls.

They're so full of themselves!

That one made me smile. :thumbsup:

A friend of mine has bought a consignment of Italian dumplings really cheaply
.
.

I think it might be gnocchi off

"The situation was that, funnily enough, it was tractors I was looking at and the website asked me 'water cooled' or 'air cooled' engines and I said 'only fans' and well here we are."

Ha!

The builder next door caller me a “paranoid fucking weirdo”

In Morse code with his hammer

Nice! (Took me a second, thought at first he beat you with the hammer).

I got chatting to a delivery driver the other day, they looked really down so I asked them what was wrong. They said they were suffering from post parcel depression.

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbadian, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...

The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

a Mosotho, a Motswana

These demonyms were new to me.