Jokes / Joke du jour!

The plumber is waiting at the door with your new bathroom. Let that sink in.

There are five French plumbers waiting at the door with your new bathroom. Let that cinq in.

And now ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to introduce to the stage a band called “The Bailiffs”.

Take it away, boys...

Should be in the past tense really, for 'cinq' to be pronounced correctly!

The wouldnt make any sense at all.

🤷‍♂️ I didn’t invent french. Don’t blame me.

It's all Greek to me.

Your Achilles heel?

More plantar fasciitis in my case.

“I've got an Eton-themed Advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts​.”

“Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.”

“If I could take just one thing to a desert island I probably wouldn't go.”

I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it’s like this all the time.”

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/comedy/what-to-see/best-jokes-funniest-one-liners-edinburgh-fringe-over-years/

Where do whales buy their printer paper?

At a cetaceaners.

Did you know a piraña fish can strip a small child to the bone in under a minute?

Anyway I lost my job at the aquarium today.

Is it possible to take your own posterior flesh and graft it onto a mate? Just ass skin for a friend.

Nice :-D

Dominic Raab has been downgraded to Dominic Rbbc.

Lollllslelsls

That Tory cunt will end up Ra*a*a.

Stolen ... good timing for our house

Who called it The Crucible and not Subpoena the Teenage Witch?

If I had a penny for every time I didn't realise what was going on, I'd say 'Why are you giving me all these pennies?'

Why’s there no ibuprofen in the jungle?

The parrots eat ‘em all.

A lot of people say to me... "Get out of my garden?"

Stewart Lee does a whole sketch about this joke based around Joe Pasquale's borrowed material. It's fantastic.
https://youtu.be/0YE9Kthyaco

very good

Michael Redmond also played Father Paul Stone in Father Ted, the really boring priest who came to stay for a week and got struck by lightning, fact fans.

I'll never forget what my grandad said on his deathbed. He said "I wish I'd bought a normal bed".