Jokes / Joke du jour!

Waitrose are doing a sale on their gravies and jus. Some fantastic reductions.

Sales of Hummus and Taramasalata have plummeted amid fears of a double dip recession

My local hairdresser has started selling Sunday lunch. Yesterday I had roast beef with all the trimmings.

As I washed up I thought about the recipe and wondered why they hadn’t used ghee instead of butter for that authentic flavour. I wish they’d have clarified.

They curd have done that but it was whey too much work. They needed it to be condensed.

Wife asks husband over breakfast, ‘could you have a look at the bathroom door, it’s jammed and won’t shut properly’

Husband replies ‘sorry, I’m not a builder’

Wife then asks, ‘we also have a dripping tap in the kitchen now for weeks’. he responds ‘I’m not a plumber’

Before husband goes to work, wife mentions that ‘her car is leaking oil’, he insists that ‘he is not a mechanic’

Much later husband comes home after work, asking Wife ‘did you have a good day’, she replies ‘yes and their neighbour fixed all the problems’

Husband responded ‘that is great, how much does neighbour want for those jobs’

She said, ‘no money all neighbour asked was either bake him a cake or afternoon sex in our bed’

Husband says ‘so what did you bake for him’

Wife replied ‘I am not a baker’

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Some recent updates for the dictionary in 2020

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
   
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
   
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
   
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
   
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
   
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
   
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
   
8. Gargoyle 👎, olive-flavoured mouthwash.
   
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
   
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
    
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
    
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
    proctologists.
    
13. Pokemon 👎, a Rastafarian proctologist.
    
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
    
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
    
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
    
17. No one(n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
    
18. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
    
19. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
    
20. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
    
21. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease
    
22. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
    
23. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
    
24. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
    
25. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
    
26. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
    

new nightingale hospital in Glasgow has just opened and will be called

ICU Jimmy

Timpsons are one of the few companies that haven't had to furlough anyone. All of their employees are key workers.

Ha! That made me chuckle

I've heard some good ones recently, but they are all inside jokes...

I think a lot of people are taking drugs to get through the lockdown

Just walked past my local supermarket and everyone looked well spaced out

^ well I tried that on three people and only one got it. I thought it was half decent

I’ve got myself some solar panels fitted. I’m looking forward to finally getting some free electricity, but it’s not going to happen overnight.

Obviously knows what they're talking about

If you are planning to split with your husband or boyfriend, make sure their bags are packed and taxi is ready at 8pm on a Thursday.. so that the whole street can give him a proper send off

Last night I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

Belter.

Punchline needs a bit more weight.

Nah. No. It's fine.

My pet mouse elvis died this morning.

He was caught in a trap.

Stolen for conversation

Wa-hey! :-D

My hamster called Elvis was murdered by a mixologist the other, he was all shook up.