Jokes / Joke du jour!

In Soviet Russia, pants shit on you!

Why can't a bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it's too tired!

I hate to be pedantic but Chernobyl is in the Ukraine. Russia underpants are probably still shit though[t].

Good point and you are right - I guess I remember the joke from when I was a kid when I thought the Soviet Union (the name should have given me a clue mind) was one big country and it was called Russia.

To make up for it- crap maths joke.

There are only 10 types of people, those who understand binary and those who don't.

That's a better joke.

I hate to be pedantic but Chernobyl is in the Ukraine. Russian underpants are probably still shit though[t].

Chernobyl was in soviet russia though

Chernobyl was in soviet russia though

It was in the Soviet Union (more precisely, the Ukrainian Soviet Socialist Republic) at the time of the explosion but it has never been in Russia (Soviet or otherwise).

Doesn't this argument happen every single time Chernobyl is mentioned?
I think it may have even been that joke that sparked it last time.

Doesn't this argument happen every single time Chernobyl is mentioned?
I think it may have even been that joke that sparked it last time.

Yup. Pretty sure this happens every time.

It's the only way people will learn :)

^ Can't see the pic.

Why shouldnt you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout

DNA stands for NATIONAL DYSLEXICS ASSOCIATION

Why shouldnt you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout

See above.

See above.

Damn, I was hoping someone would've came along and explained the geographical innacuracy of the joke again =P

[edit=Velocio]This is where I delete things for wholly stepping over the line and really not reflecting some level of decency... a wow considering you can get away with virtually anything in the joke thread[/edit]

Erm.... wow.

That is fuckin 'orrible!

:|

what does that mean? is that like one of those stern parental 'i'm not impressed' faces, like when you've been naughty?

:

Jesus H Corbett

Not a Joke as such, but fucking hilarious nonetheless......

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"Meat. They're made out of meat."

"Meat?"

"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."

"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."

"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."

"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."

"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."

"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."

"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."

"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."

"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"

"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."

"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."

"No brain?"

"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"

"So... what does the thinking?"

"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."

"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"

"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"

"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."

"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."

"So what does the meat have in mind?"

"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."

"We're supposed to talk to meat?"

"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."

"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"

"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."

"I thought you just told me they used radio."

"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."

"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"

"Officially or unofficially?"

"Both."

"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."

"I was hoping you would say that."

"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"

"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"

"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."

"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."

"That's it."

"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"

"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."

"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."

"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."

"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"

"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation ago, wants to be friendly again."

"They always come around."

"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door They asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

My English teacher was involved in a car accident today. The paramedics did all they could but he was pro-noun-ced dead at the scene.

A Lion's fucking a Zebra

During which the Zebra looks up to notice her husband coming over a hill in the not so far distance.

Surprised she says to the Lion:"Shit! that's my husband, making it look like you're killing me!"

^Is that the best you've got?