Jokes / Joke du jour!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged,
"I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Apologies in advance.

Why do the Swedish Navy have barcodes on their sleeves? So when they come back from war they can Scandinavian.

You happy now?

@Ratty awesome!

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is very heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see in a while and the other you'll see later.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

Carrott

Carrott

My partner and I broke up this morning.

When she said she was leaving because of my obsession with the Monkees, I
really thought she was joking. Then I saw her face...

Reeeeeee

10 yr old standup comedian:

I was walking round the supermarket earlier and thought I heard a couple of onions singing a Bee Gees song, turned out it was chives talking.

and that's shallot etc.

Andy White on Facebook -

"Clocks go back" - quite right too. Bloody clocks, coming over here, stealing our time.

Just put a down payment on a new duvet.

Would work a lot better if we hadn't "gained" an hour.

I hate it when people ask what I'll be doing in 5 years time. Come on guys I don't have 2020 vision!

Saved that for the last possible day.

Nice.

It's one way to deal with reposts!

I got my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It wasn't her main present, just a stocking filler.

I got mine a pair of slippers and a dildo.
I told her if she didn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself.

I hate it when people ask what I'll be doing in 4 years time. Come on guys I don't have 2020 vision!

repo... oh

hahahaha