Jokes / Joke du jour!

Play 'Storage Wars' at home by opening your garage and cheering.

win!

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only £20!"
"Why is it so cheap?" the woman asks.

"Well", replies the assistant, "I must confess that it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity."

"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.

Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman,
"Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel!" says the woman indignantly.

A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel,a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes!" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes!" complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have a laugh at their filthy new pet.

A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How ya doin', Dave?" says the parrot.

ha!

A bear and a rabbit in the woods. Bear turns to rabbit, 'hey rabbit, does shit stick to your fur?'
'Yes' replies the rabbit.
'Good' says the bear, and procedes to wipe his bum with the rabbit

B.T.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

Ha, stolen

Awesome!

i might steal that too

Yep, ta.

Why are Oasis like soup?

You get a roll with it.

What did Noel Gallagher say to LFGSS?

Don't post any more shit Oasis gags, in anger

I went to an Oasis gig with my sister. When they came on I shouted 'GO OASIS', and she just buggered off.

Liam Gallagher is walking down the street when he meets a bottle of Oasis that has magically gained sentience. 'Hello' says Liam 'I once named a band after you'

The bottle replies 'What........ Eric?'

ba-dum tssssch

Can we stop the homemade Oasis jokes...

"Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do now. He spent his whole life in a kebab shop, they buried him with all his equipment. Probably turning in his grave.” - Milton Jones

"...my other grandfather."

... a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better...

Why doesn't Stephen Hawking need friends?

Because he's got his own shoulder to cry on.

Oof.

Ouch.

oops

How do you think the unthinkable?

with a thorpedo..?