Jokes / Joke du jour!

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Hakim.

Hakim who?

HAKIM IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAAAAALL!

The kids at school all laughed at me when I told them I’d invent an invisibility cloak! If only they could see me now!

The kids at school all laughed at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian. They came to a gig I did at Up The Creek just last week. They're not laughing now.

Bob Monkhouse. Olden but gooden.

I was having terrible trouble with my iPhone.
I renamed it Titanic, and its synching now.

Shittest joke ever.

Been having an affair with Clara next door. My missus Lorraine found out, packed her bags and left me.

I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.

Winner

Could be edited?

'I can see Clara now...

...Lorraine has gone.' B-)

Stolen

Much much better. Good bounce back.

I remember Bobby Davro performing that joke in the early 90s.

Except it was Deirdre instead of Clara

I was walking through school at 7:30am the other morning and the caretaker stopped me with a serious look on his face and said "Tom, I've had a nightmare morning"

"We had this new cleaner in for a trial shift, East European. Got her started in the staffroom with the hoover and told her to do the whole corridor. Went back an hour later and she was still stood in the same place just going back and forth. Now we're one short, had to send her home again, she was useless. Turns out she was a Slovak."

I groaned, but it was a nice way to start the day.

I groaned, but it was a nice way to start the day.

Said the actress to the bishop

Next time you see the caretaker, say "been offered eight legs of venison for £50. Would you say that's two dear?"

Just been sent this by my Nana:

Mark and his wife Maureen go to the Tawonga fair every year,

And every year Mark would say, "Maureen, I'd like to ride in that helicopter"

Maureen always replied,

"I know Mark, but that helicopter ride is seventy dollars, and seventy dollars is seventy dollars!"

One year later Mark and Maureen went to the fair, and Mark said, "Maureen, I'm 68 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance"

To this, Maureen replied,

"Mark, that helicopter ride is seventy dollars, and seventy dollars is seventy dollars"

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a cent! But if you say one word it's seventy dollars. "

Mark and Maureen agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Mark and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!"

Mark replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Maureen fell out,

But you know, seventy dollars is seventy dollars!"

'Tis good. He is right tho, I mean she had fallen out almost certainly to her death. Why pay 70 dollars for that?

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs…
   …because they always take things literally.

2. Who is this Rorschach guy?
   And why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?

3. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
   “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

4. René Descartes walks into a bar. Bartender asks if he wants anything.
   René says, “I think not,” then disappears.

5. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
   …followed by Batman.

6. Yo momma’s so classless…
   …she could be a Marxist utopia.

7. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
   He’s 0K now.

8. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on.
   After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.”

9. Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings…
   Pavlov gasps, “Oh shit, I forgot to feed the dogs.”

10. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
    This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

11. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”
    The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
    The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
    The third logician says, “Yes!”

12. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
    Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”

13. What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
    An etymologist knows the difference.

14. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn’t understand what irony meant.
    Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

15. There are two types of people in this world:
    Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

16. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative.
    But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
    A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

17. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
    The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

18. Your momma is so mean…
    …she has no standard deviation.

19. I’m thinking about selling my theremin…
    …I haven’t touched it in years.

20. What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?
    Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

21. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
    …

I was driving past a school the other day and saw a kidnapping.

So I woke him up.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Pull back and reveal
Pull back and reveal who?
And then I had a wank

A person was brought into the Emergency Room of a local hospital with six small plastic horses shoved up their ass for no apparent reason.

Their condition was listed as 'Stable'

until one kicked in the barn door

Photonben Some of those a quite clever, primarily these:

1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs…
   …because they always take things literally.

2. A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a Martinus.
   “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

3. Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
   …followed by Batman.

4. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
   He’s 0K now.

5. Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all of you want a drink?”
   The first logician says, “I don’t know.”
   The second logician says, “I don’t know.”
   The third logician says, “Yes!”

6. What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
   An etymologist knows the difference.

7. A photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage.
   The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”

8. I’m thinking about selling my theremin…
   …I haven’t touched it in years.

5 is my favourite.

i dont get that one

na x 16 batman