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Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp:
"No sex for the first 7 days, just wanks"
"Why?" she asks
Pimp says: "Union rules, you gotta work a week in hand!"
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At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, 'Do you want to go up or down?' All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?' There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,'Up or down ?' She replied, 'Up.'This really confused the gentleman so he asked, 'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown...
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two blondes walked into a building........... you think one for them would of seen it ! boom boom !
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Something to cheer you up!
Take 5 to read these! xxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Tommy Cooper gags
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts.
The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said: "No, the steaks are too high."My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? '.
"It's not unusual."A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?".
"Don't you start."
You have to know about cricket to understand this one.Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?".
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places".
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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@slowstephen, love those tommy jokes
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• #362
Booo!
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ooh the pleasure of having labourers in the family. just got this txt. I appologise for the tone but of all those i got.. this is the only one i could put here.
After having a 69 with his girlfriend Brian remembered he had an appointment at the dentist. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of fanny on his breath so he brushed his teeth, used dentil floss & swilled a bottle of listerene. As he arrived at the Dentist he took his seat and ate a packet of strong mints.
His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The Dentist got close and said "did you have a 69 before you came here?"
"How did you know? does my breath smell of fanny?" replied Brian"No" said the Dentist. "You have a skid mark on your forehead"
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Something to cheer you up!
Take 5 to read these! xxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: Tommy Cooper gags
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Cling film for shorts.
The shrink says: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him £50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said: "No, the steaks are too high."My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted: "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied: "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".I went to a seafood disco last week...... and pulled a muscle.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: "I'll give you some cream to put on it."'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'.
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome''.
' Is it common? '.
"It's not unusual."A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says: "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?".
"Don't you start."
You have to know about cricket to understand this one.Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom, boom!
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?".
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says: "So are you, you fat bast**d!"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off."You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen.
It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places".
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
These are Tim Vine gags not Tommy Cooper
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another one for the australians:
the original:
YouTube - Man shot twice in Kings Cross attack
Chk chk boom is quite funny but HTF is she calling a wog!!
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another one for the australians:
the original:
YouTube - Man shot twice in Kings Cross attack
the explanation:
YouTube - Clare Werbeloff (Chk-Chk BOOM girl) ACA interview "I"m no racist"
the tshirt:
http://www.redbubble.com/search/werbeloffIf she was ugly there would be a public outcry of RACIST SLOB.. funny world eh.
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The women's 800m world champion , has expressed her outrage at her daughter having to undergo a gender test.
She said "This is a real kick in the bollocks for my daughter "
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Has anyone else picked up on the fact that her name is an anagram of "A secret man? Yes."
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^ are you 6yo?
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mattmadegood
dogsballs
slowstephen
31trum
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BRM
Malibu
Greasy_Slag
Donut!
EB
QuickVit
Bearlegged
Platini
Poppy-
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@Pistanator
She should get in touch with Max Clifford, he loves making racists rich!