Jokes / Joke du jour!

please people,stop with the Whitney jokes. Its not right, but its ok

Again, not my own.

Adenosine triphosphate = ATP = 80p

oooouch!

Adenosine triphosphate = ATP = 80p

lol:-)

Adenosine triphosphate walks into a bar and asks for a pint.

The barman says "that's 80p"

Enjoyed this.

Not really a joke, but a girl who's cooking for me tonight just sent me a text asking, 'do you eat prawns?'. To which I replied, "euph?'. Not sure it went down that well.

doh.... think that ones on you mate!

A cat walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notes how ridiculous this is, because cats can not speak,nor are their thought processes complex enough to do even something as simple as ordering a drink at a bar. The bartender wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. Grateful to be returned to a world that makes sense, he rolls over and tells his wife, but she does not share his enthusiasm. Indeed, their 26-year marriage has begun to sour as of late. The bartender cries.

Poetry thread >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A cat walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notes how ridiculous this is, because cats can not speak,nor are their thought processes complex enough to do even something as simple as ordering a drink at a bar. The bartender wakes up and realizes it was all a dream. Grateful to be returned to a world that makes sense, he rolls over and tells his wife, but she does not share his enthusiasm. Indeed, their 26-year marriage has begun to sour as of late. The bartender cries.

wut?

I liked it, subverting the form

old old old...

Not really a joke, but a girl who's cooking for me tonight just sent me a text asking, 'do you eat prawns?'. To which I replied, "euph?'. Not sure it went down that well.

You should say "thanks but no thanks; not on a first date, no"

**A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."**

sorry but that was shit

In an attempt to promote cultural diversity, the town of Wigan has opened a new Urdu centre.

Unfortunately, several locals have called in asking for "Short back and sides"...

I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage.

The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.

It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop lady was pretty fucked up.

What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow?

A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of funding.

Nice, I like that, will add it to my list of anti-jokes.

I wasn't concentrating while driving this morning and crashed into a 'Stop' sign. I got out of the car to check the damage.

The sign was slightly bent and there was a small scratch on my bumper. Both could be repaired cheaply, so that wasn't too bad.

It wasn't all good news, though. I could tell from the kids' screams that the lollipop lady was pretty fucked up.

Reminds me of;
When I die I want to go out peacefully in my sleep just like my Grandad, not screaming in terror like his passengers.

Pablo Picasso had a problem: all he could paint nowadays was salad. Admitting at last that he needed psychiatric help, he took a few paintings of arugula to the rue de Lille, to show to Lacan, his private doctor.

When Picasso saw a celebrated art dealer waiting at the Solférino Métro station, he didn’t want the word getting around that he could only paint arugula, so he shamefacedly left his work behind him on the train.

Reaching Lacan’s waiting room, he was astonished to see his paintings already hanging on the wall, beautifully framed and signed with a grandiloquent flourish. “You should know by now,” Lacan beamed, “that a lettuce always arrives at its destination.”

Pablo Picasso had a problem: all he could paint nowadays was salad. Admitting at last that he needed psychiatric help, he took a few paintings of arugula to the rue de Lille, to show to Lacan, his private doctor.

When Picasso saw a celebrated art dealer waiting at the Solférino Métro station, he didn’t want the word getting around that he could only paint arugula, so he shamefacedly left his work behind him on the train.

Reaching Lacan’s waiting room, he was astonished to see his paintings already hanging on the wall, beautifully framed and signed with a grandiloquent flourish. “You should know by now,” Lacan beamed, “that a lettuce always arrives at its destination.”

Two things 1) I don't get it and 2) I always thought rocket was part of the cabbage family (although thinking about it I suppose cabbages and lettuce are related)

lettuce ≈ letter

lettuce ≈ letter

Oh I wondered if that was it but it still didn't make it funny, so I thought I was missing something. Thanks

"HR" departments.
theres a fucking joke for you,