Jokes / Joke du jour!

I was out on Saturday night and got chatting to this older woman. In her 40s but pretty well presented, own teeth, not too wrinkly etc. Anyway we started a bit of canoodling and she asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double.

I asked her what that was and she told me; a mother and daughter threesome. Well fucking hell I said, that would be something any man would crawl over broken glass for!

Then she drops the bombshell. If I came home with her I could indeed experience a sportsman's double. I couldn't wait and jumped out the taxi as we got to her place and fidgeted with impatience as she fumbled with her keys.

At last we got into her house and she shouted up the stairs... "Mother. Are you still awake?"

Fucking quality, mate. If I could +rep you, I fucking would.

.

is it too early for baby p jokes?

Yes, and it always will be.

not bad platini!

agreed.

Q: What do you call a frenchman in sandals/

A: Phillipe Fillope

I was out on Saturday night and got chatting to this older woman. In her 40s but pretty well presented, own teeth, not too wrinkly etc. Anyway we started a bit of canoodling and she asked me if I'd ever had a sportsman's double.

I asked her what that was and she told me; a mother and daughter threesome. Well fucking hell I said, that would be something any man would crawl over broken glass for!

Then she drops the bombshell. If I came home with her I could indeed experience a sportsman's double. I couldn't wait and jumped out the taxi as we got to her place and fidgeted with impatience as she fumbled with her keys.

At last we got into her house and she shouted up the stairs... "Mother. Are you still awake?"

Shame it's about 15yrs old! ;-)

It's probably hundreds, if not thousands, of years old, to be fair: most jokes are...

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the
boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?' Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?' 'Nope', she replied 'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Y'Shoulda bought a hat.'

[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][FONT=Tahoma] [/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Tahoma][SIZE=2][FONT=Tahoma]Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market, the recent collapse of Lehman Bros
and the Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, this might be
some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the
next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and
make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records,Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

1. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
   merge and become:
   ZipAudiDoDa ..

2. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
   FedUP.

3. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
   FairwellHoneychild.

7.Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

1. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
   Knott NOW!
   
   

And finally...

1. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
   TittyTittyBangBang[/FONT][/SIZE][/FONT]
   

^

boo!!

A Short Love Story

Once upon a time, a man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell
asleep quickly... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second
blanket? I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that
we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get yor own f***** blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that.

    #1, you have to be single and
    #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK', the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

I got chatting to this young lady on the Internet recently.
She was fun: witty, flirtatious and sexy.
We arranged to meet up, then I found out that she was an undercover detective.
How cool is that for a 14-year-old girl?

Why is it rubbish being an egg?
You only get laid once, you only get smashed once and only your mother ever sits on your face.

'A little bit of Monica on the floor,
A little bit of Jessica on the steps...'
Mumbai No.5

Q: how did the Australian find the sheep in the long grass?
A: Very satisfying.

What do you call a Spanish guy who just got out of hospital?

MANUEL!

............................................

What do you call a Spanish guy who just had his motor nicked?

CARLOS!

http://www.joys-of-computing.com/

Engaging warp drive
Priceless.

A man goes to the doctors and says " doc, i have pains in my ears,"

Doc says " Can you describe the symptoms?"

Man says " yeah Homer is the big yellow fat guy and Marge has blue hair."

I'll get my coat now..............

Gina returned from a doctor's visit one day and told her husband Pat that the doctor said she only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, she asked him to make love to her. Of course he agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later Gina went to him again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?' Pat agreed and again they made love. Later Gina was getting into bed when she realized she now had only eight hours of life left. she touched Pat's shoulder and said, Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die.' he agreed, then afterward he rolled over and fell asleep. Gina, however, heard the clock ticking in her head, and she tossed and turned until she was down to only four more hours. She tapped her husband on the shoulder to wake him up. Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?' Her husband sat up abruptly, turned to her and said, 'Listen Gina', I'm not being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Ha!!!!

+1

Good work Dale.