Jokes / Joke du jour!

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other a Chihuahua.
As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."
The lady with the Chihuahua said "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The one with the Doberman said "Just watch, and do as I do."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f*cking Chihuahua?!"

Every football club has a certain craze.. Man City do the poznan, Leeds wave scarfs above their heads and Exeter fans dress as plastic red seats.

Hey Louis have you heard about the football thread
We could use some recruits over there right now
Most of the usuals seem to have been banned
bring your joke with you if you like

^ sorry this is not a joke it's just a recruitment drive

Three guys walk into a bar.
Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

An Aspergers sufferer walks into a bar and orders a very specific drink in which the constituent ingredients MUST be placed within the vessel in a measured and precise manner

i was walking through a building site yesterday and this guy was hammering on a roof caled me a paranoid little weirdo.

in morse code.

^ repost but a good one

A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "There's a pub down the road named after you."

The horse replies "what, Alfred?"

Hey Louis have you heard about the football thread
We could use some recruits over there right now
Most of the usuals seem to have been banned
bring your joke with you if you like

haha i dont even like football, but i might come and have a butchers anyway!

A white horse walks into a bar. The barman says "There's a pub down the road named after you."

The horse replies "what, Alfred?"

I know this version:

Paul McCartney is walking down the road and he see's a beetle. 'Hello' Paul says to the beetle 'I once named a famous pop band after you'

'What.......Eric?'

had my work christmas lunch today, time to get the cracker jokes rolling.

how do you get down from an elephant?

you don't, you get it from a duck!

what do ducks do before they grow up?

they grow down

How does santa like his Pizza

Deep and crisp and even..

little topical one there.... takes a while

given it a while - still do not get it

would you if it was "how does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?"

...no?

right.

i'm with you.

woodpecker goes into a bar and asks
is the bartender here?

how many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
what, you dont know?

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

It's a pretty rare number, you've probably never heard of it.

I know the whole good king wenceslas thing was totally lost on me, drunk singing it through resulted in a fast realisation i know fuck all of the words. some kid did which quietly impressed me.

so i continue to pass it off as mine in the hope i will be seen as a man who knows shit...

that woodpecker one is brilliant! i never knew woodpeckers could talk.. properLOLage

Doctor, doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well that's more of a mental health problem and I deal more with physical ailments.

Its deep pan crisp and even

le sigh

Where are the Kim Jong-Il jokes?

deader than he is

KIm Jong-Il, now mostly looking at the roots of daisies.

Where are the Kim Jong-Il jokes?

Kim Jong-Il? No, Kim Jong Dead

So, Kim Jong il has died.

For those stupid people who don't keep up with current affairs, she was the leader of North Korea.