Jokes / Joke du jour!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes", the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied: "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!"

+1 (Rare breakfast lol)

My dog ate a condom last night.

Try explaining that to the vet as it's hanging halfway out of his arse.

Two women talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the bedroom watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive

My mate just asked me what ringtone I have! I said, "I've never really looked, but probably a light brown!""

I went into a caravan showroom the other day and said to the salesman "I'd like to buy a motorhome."
He said "Camper?"
I said "Ooooh, get you, I'd like to buy a motorhome, sweety."

I went into the Butchers the other day and said to the Butcher "I'd like to buy some bacon."
He said "Lean?"
I said "I'd like to buy some bacon."

I went on a cruise recently and thought I'd do some exploring, so I said to the captain "I'd like to go right to the back of the ship."
He said "Stern?"
I said "I'D LIKE TO GO RIGHT TO THE BACK OF THE SHIP!"

MMC repped

Did you hear the one about the dyslexic Yorkshireman?

He was wearing a cat flap.

The door is that way >>>>>

"I went into the hardware store the other day and asked for a box of nails. The fella asked how long do I want them?, I said I wanna keep 'em!"

I was trying some shoes on and the assistant asked me how they felt. I said 'I think they're a bit tight'

She said 'Have you tried them with the tongue out?'

I said 'They're thill a bith tooth thight'

Hahahaha!

From Twitter (Moose Allain) this morning:

I remember looking back and thinking once, as I was pulling out of Paddington… this joke is disgusting and it stops right here.

The think it's all over.

It is notw.

Two fonts walk into a bar.

Barman shouts at them - "Hey, we don't server your type here!"

After shagging a fat chick whilst I was drunk the next morning I said to her, "Here, if you want to see me again call this number."

"Awww, men don't usually give me their numbers," she replied.

I said, "It's not mine. It's Weight Watchers."

Who do you expect to laugh at that one?

Cyclists.

Or misogynistic wankers?

Wait, what's misogynistic about that?

It's got nothing to do with the fact that she's female, and the effect is unchanged if the male and female roles are reversed.

I was in a club over the weekend and I saw a fat girl guy at the bar. I walked up to her him and said "Fancy a dance love?"
"Ooh yes that would be nice." she said.
"Well, off you go then, me and my mates can't get to the fucking bar."

It's like Bernard Manning, but without the craftsmanship. I'm sure your standards used to be higher.

I've always posted jokes which made me laugh. While you might share my appreciation of certain types of jokes that I post it's unlikely that you, or anyone else for that matter, will share my appreciation of all of them.