Jokes / Joke du jour!

I prefer 'A Buddhist walks up to a NYC hot dog vendor and says 'Can you make me one with everything?'

It's more believable that way ahem

I went to the Antenna wedding last night. The ceremony was ok, but the reception was incredible...

I prefer 'A Buddhist walks up to a NYC hot dog vendor and says 'Can you make me one with everything?'

It's more believable that way ahem

The vendor says 'Sure buddy, that'll be $3' and hands over the hot dog.
The Bhuddist hands over a $5 bill, and after a protracted and slightly uncomfortable pause asks the vendor for his change.
'Ah,' says the vendor, 'Change comes from within.'

why did the river get in trouble with the police.

It was torrenting

what do you call a Egyptian mountain?

hiero-cliff

how did a man move the entire sun?

its really light

The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says "Can you make me one with everything?"

He gave him £20 and when he asked for the change, the chap at the pizza shop told him "Change must come from within"

The vendor says 'Sure buddy, that'll be $3' and hands over the hot dog.
The Bhuddist hands over a $5 bill, and after a protracted and slightly uncomfortable pause asks the vendor for his change.
'Ah,' says the vendor, 'Change comes from within.'

He gave him £20 and when he asked for the change, the chap at the pizza shop told him "Change must come from within"

slacking there Mick.

Ballls, didn't scroll down to see that.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13782645

even tried in real life. it died with the dalai lama too

Was in a club with a mate the other night and there was a fat ugly girl at the bar. I walked up to her and asked "Would you like to dance?". She replied "Oh yes i'd love to".

"Well go fuck off and dance then, we need to get a drink".

Geronimo's brother could never keep up.

He was called Hangonamo.

How do you make a kite sad?

You bring it down a bit...

what was michal jacksons favorite films?

bad black and white thrillers

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-13782645

even tried in real life. it died with the dalai lama too

Awesome gag though.

EDIT - as has been acknowledged above, sorry

T Rex's Marc Bolan, a great friend of Elton John, died tragically in a car crash in 1977. Freddy Mercury, a great friend of Elton John, was sadly taken from us by AIDS. Gianni Versace, a great friend of Elton John, was cruelly gunned down outside his own house. And Princess Diana, a great friend of Elton John, was killed in a terrible accident in Paris. I tell you what. If I were Lady Gaga I'd be cakking meself.

A friend of mine put a condom on inside out...

...he went.

Well, that gym membership didn't last long. First day there and after bending over, I spotted a hole in the bottom of my trainer big enough to push my finger inside.
She's made a formal complaint and now i'm banned.

apologies if repost, but this is quality.... this is a copy past from google search, but it was told to me by my brother.

It's best told in person with some added theatrics....

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the dam# tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can.Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now...., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

They got bills they're multiplying, and they're losing control...

From the new film: Greece

#facepalm

They better shape up, because they need a plan. And their heart is set on the EU.

please stop Mick

They're totally devoted to EU..

#facepalm

I concur

Where do all the funniest prostitutes work?

In a brofl.