Your best responses during a road rage

Yeah a bit of sarcasm probably destroyed the guy's life, much worse than smashing his wing mirror off or threatening to kill him. Lighten up.

You're too intelligent to be on here.

Has anyone ever seen a bike using these?

That's a highly impractical place to keep your key.

I know, right. What if it ends up scratching a car that gets too close? How are you ever going to get back into your house? He just hasn't thought this through.

Long Story.

I would've gotten off my bike, hidden it, bagged my helmet and rung a taxi home if I'd seen that.

I know, right. What if it ends up scratching a car that gets too close? How are you ever going to get back into your house? He just hasn't thought this through.

Endo to open the door?

Nearly got cut into kerb by a dumb cow overtaking. She then blames me for taking the road and not paying road tax. Polite response didn't work, especially as I tried to make clear the reason I took the lane was because of people passing too close...

Er.

Got nearly sideswiped by car coming out of give way junction, can't get driver, driver who sees it happen gives me the Cycle Helmet Talk. It's like the condom or pill talk, but worse.

The boyfriend went: Next time to tell them how you wearing a helmet is going to improve somebody's driving. Not.

I tend to ignore bad driving these days, else I'd be in a mega rage most days when I am in the car. Lots of twonks. The finger only comes out for really serious offenses of the "I can see you, but choose not to" style driving.

I think next time I'll just go "Should have gone to Specsavers as you didn't see me" and leave it there.

Endo to open the door?

What if you have a Chubb and a Yale lock?

You'd always be getting the wrong endo.

I very rarely have the presence of mind to do anything other than scream "cunt" or some other obscenity. I tend to just ignore it and sail merrily on these days.

I was cut up and abused on Railton Rd a few months ago and I said to the driver "In the company van? Are you that stupid?". Cue honking of the horn and a spit speckled tirade from the van driver. Rarely worth it IMO.

I just got passed mega close by a guy in a transit minivan shouting as he went past, 50 meters later at the lights I ask him why he passed so close, he starts shouting about me being in the middle of the road, I try to explain how there are parked cars I am staying away from as opening doors can kill me and the fact it's a bend with poor visibility so when something comes the other way people cut in towards me. The lights change and I pull way over because I know he's going to be a dick, I was going right at the lights and he couldn't carry on ahead so I say "well done, look how much distance you've made up, you cunt." as I passed again. It seems he didn't hear me so I shout "you're a cunt!" at the top of my voice as I ride off. So much for staying calm. I'm glad he didn't follow me or anything, I can see those lights from my front door.

And he was a big motherfucker.

And he was a big motherfucker.

But with less hair.

Coffee, meet keyboard.

'how many generations of inbreeding did it take to produce somebody so fucking dumb that they don't know how to use an indicator?'
'where did you learn to drive? Legoland?!'

Also, slow clap and sarcastic thumbs up is always a favourite

Did you get your driving license with a pack of cornflakes? Etc...

Snottyotter: Exactly my situation me explaining I had to stay clear due to parked cars/idiots and that honourable bitchcow (apologies to spitting image) didn't want to acknowledge any of it.

Though I did get a sorry from a couple that didn't see me (how, fucknose) on a give-way junction. I knew they weren't going to see me, as they didn't slow down enough but if people say sorry, you think they will look better next time.

Some vanker this morning

C: Are your indicators broken?
V: No mouth breathe
C: Want me to show you how to use them? breaks them off and inserts them in each nostril
V: faack off mouth breathe
C: DICKHEAD!
Words were true actions may not have been.

Usually nothing witty comes to mind at the time, so I resort to making chicken or monkey noises.

I used to get riled up by motorist and pedestrians but I found it ruined my mind by the time I reached my destination, getting angry during a ride just made my blood boil and put me in a bad mood.

But after coming back from cycling in France, Belgium, Holland and West Germany (geographically speaking), I had forgotten how close cars and van get to cyclist here. I got wound up quite a lot in a 2 hour journey. Again though, I have use my calm inner voice not the angry shouty voice.

I'd say it all makes for a general impression of cyclists, if one black cab u-turns without indicating or seeing a cyclist then your first though is black cab drivers are all cunts this works both ways. I don't think rage is going to do the general image of cyclist any good in the long run, and it definitely doesn't do me any good in the short run either.

That being said, I'm not so zen, I've gotten in to fisty-cuffs with a guy and a hockey stick in Olympia and three big chav dude's in one car in Hackney in the last year. Luckily peds and motorist have stepped in to break it up before it all gets out of hand.

Normally I smile and wave and am generally quite chilled.

This morning though some guy nearly ran me down on Upper Street so I had a shout, he then drove at me, I had a proper shout a bit further down the road, including the whole road tax thing. He then threw a tin of beer at me.

It seems I took his number plate down incorrectly. I am almost as cross with myself as I am with him.

And so I pull out my gun! - YouTube

Normally I smile and wave and am generally quite chilled.

This morning though some guy nearly ran me down on Upper Street so I had a shout, he then drove at me, I had a proper shout a bit further down the road, including the whole road tax thing. He then threw a tin of beer at me.

It seems I took his number plate down incorrectly. I am almost as cross with myself as I am with him.

Beer? What a fucking hero.

Beer? What a fucking hero.

That was not my first thought

Ran out of swear words once after a driver cut me up and her boyfriend hung out the window screaming at me.

After I'd used all the swearwords, I started gesticulating. This resulted in me spiralling downwards from the popular 'wanker' hand sign to the completely out of the blue 'belm'.

Which was a ridiculous move on my part, as I'm sure he couldn't have seen it. But at least it blew away my own rage and just made me laugh.