For Sale: Foffa Single Speed Custom-built bicycle

From here,

https://www.lfgss.com/post1298438-55.html

My mate Denny once needed a shit.
The only thing was, he was in a room full of blokes all crashed out and he couldn't get to the door.
He'd already had a crafty wank in a hiking sock belonging to the guy who's room it was, so he thought he use the other sock for something else - shame to waste it.
With some difficulty and stifled giggling, he managed to crimp one off into the sock, holding it open over his arsehole.
He opened the window but realised there was a glass roof below, so to clear that and hit the bushes beyond he had to give the sock a really good heave. He wanged it, and the sock sailed into the distance, never to be seen again.
Denny went to sleep.
Next morning there was something of a wild rumpus in the room.
Denny opened his eyes, and saw a thin line of shit running up the far wall, across the ceiling and over the window.
The sock had had a hole in it.
The pressure of the fling had resulted in a 'dirty icing bag' effect on the shit in the sock.
He'd piped crap all over the room.
Everybody's sleeping bags had little speckles of Denny shit on them.
He was forced to flee.
Giggling.

Repped. I've just had to leave the office as I was laughing so hard I was making a right tit of myself.

Repped. I've just had to leave the office as I was laughing so hard I was making a right tit of myself.

+1

This is so good I'm considering buying a Foffa just to try to sell it.

I was in Marseilles.

In my excitement at arriving there I ate some lukewarm bouillabaisse at a dodgy eaterie just at closing wanting to soak up the local ambience and cuisine. I'm a cosmopolitan chap like that.

It wasn't right. I didn't feel terrible, but also, not great, and didn't shit for the entire duration of my stay, despite still feeling hungry and having regular feeds. Which was over a week. Unfortunately for my travelling companion I was releasing sulfurous farts that smelled like distilled seaweed juice mixed with sewage runoff and fermenting crabs. Which is funny, because I think that is what my bouillabaisse could have actually been made from.

At night we'd be out and about having a civilised pastis on a nice chique terrace bar and I have to deflate the balloon so to speak and suddenly the distinguished clientele were looking around at each other wild eyed and fearful that their companions would blame them for the ungodly cloud of arse toxins that was lingering like nuclear fallout, meanwhile I was angel faced and looking knowingly at my mate who was trying not to retch.

Not even a cheeky cigar, a few bottles of lukewarm Kro and a pint of espresso in the hotel would dislodge the dead turbot that had stuck itself in my ass, and to this day I have a sense of bewonderment that the human body is able to produce such emissions whilst not also being in the process of dying.

The end.

I have to deflate the balloon

I'm stealing that little gold nugget!

^^I get that horrible feeling whenever I stay at the East Coast.

I can't resist a pot of prawns or cockles i vinegar and white pepper, but when I have them I stop shitting and begin emitting sulphurous horror from the rear.

In 2001 my mate was so desperate for a shit that he didn't quite make the bog in time and shat on the seat.
It left a stain that can still be seen now.

Not even a cheeky cigar, a few bottles of lukewarm Kro and a pint of espresso in the hotel would dislodge the dead turbot that had stuck itself in my ass, and to this day I have a sense of bewonderment that the human body is able to produce such emissions whilst not also being in the process of dying.

The end.

Have you defecated since?

Girl Piss in a Bottle in Car !! - YouTube

Every so often we get a horrible smell of drains in our office and every so often the premises team come to investigate, I can tell you all that the drains are fine.

Haha Ueber best write-up ever!

Love the line "and to this day I have a sense of bewonderment that the human body is able to produce such emissions whilst not also being in the process of dying."

I was at a party once where a friend, who had a tendency to "over-do" things, drank most of litre of whiskey and thought he might dabble in a little bit of opium. It was when he started mumbling under his voice some really dark stuff that we told him it was time to go home, he agreed, and left via the kitchen back door. Or at least we thought he did. The door actually slammed about 10mins after he supposedly left.
Going into the kitchen to see what the noise was, we find he has left, but has also left a weird, ungodly smell. We're all men here, smells are smells and we thrive on creating them.

Until we opened the fridge. Inside, splattered all up the door, the shelves, right to the back, was still-warm human excrement.

We called his mobile and eventually got through to him after many a mumbled answer through his opiated high. "I just had to go, I'm so sorry. I just had to flick it out my trouser leg and that seemed like the most logical place to put it"

Slowly we shut the door and thought we'll deal with it tomorrow, not now, we're all in a state of near-vomit shock. We all went back round the next day to help the clear up operation, and the guy whose house it was answers the door wearing a t-shirt with the slogan "Same Shit, Different Day" on it.

tl;dr Whiskey and opium might cause you to shit in a fridge.

...I have a sense of bewonderment that the human body is able to produce such emissions whilst not also being in the process of dying.

The end.
Aren't we all dying?

Loving 'bewonderment' but your story's quite disgusevolting.

Aren't we all dying?

That's very philosophical in a thread on body expulsions of the nasty kind :)

PS Not as long as you can still repair your cells, the telomere ends aren't done yet/not directly dying of disease/trauma I believe.

Some people in this thread may have "died of shame" though ;)

My mate got food poisoning once and claimed he shat out over a pint of blood.
I've never had food poisening but I still find that hard to believe.

Did he get the food poisoning from beetroot?

another cup of tea vicar?

Did he get the food poisoning from beetroot?

Raw sossy

dibs.

That's hilarious.

Best poo story i ever read.

Class :)

Remind me not to buy that brand of coffee for work...though I'd serve it to one of two of my esteemed colleagues if honest.

Best poo story i ever read.

I am crying with laughter!

Fave poo story.
http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lax/182862349.html

I am crying with laughter!

Outstandingly funny! Best start to a Monday (for me) ever! I love a few shits and giggles!
;-D