Jokes / Joke du jour!

whats the similarity between american beer and having sex in a canoe?

Both close to water

I love paintball. Although I admit it gets a bit boring if you paint both of them.

I filled my blow-up doll with helium.
I like her more now she's playing hard to get.

My girlfriend's beginning to look a bit fat.
I think I've put too much air into her.

I did a fat bird once.
I asked her if I could turn off the light. She asked "Why do you want to turn the light off?".
I said "The bulb's burning my arse".

whats the similarity between american beer and having sex in a canoe?

Both are fucking close to water

Fixed.

oops! cheers.

Hahaha

Fail!

I'm so skint I can't afford anything for my incontinence.

I may need to borrow a Tena until payday.

Btw - if people made jokes about me the day after I dies, I'd be stoked.

Btw - if people made jokes about me the day after I was cremated, I'd be stoked.

ftfy

I got in trouble on a date last night, I didn't open the car door for her....

I just swam to the surface.

#coat

true story
I was on a bus sitting behind two hippy dreadlocked aussies the other day.
dread locked aussie 1 "I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my knob"
dread locked aussie 2 "what? a bigger one"
I pissed myself laughing.....DLA1 didn't get the joke.
true story

What's the difference between jam and marmalade?

I can't marmalade my cock down your throat

^what's the difference between funny, and not?^

I've started seeing my eye doctor.

She's good.

I've just thrown the new Bond villain out of my pub

Javier Bardem?

No, he can come back when he's sober

I got given a book on anger management

I lost it

=)

I'm a communist. I only drink decaff tea. Proper tea is theft.

Wasn't "property is theft" a quote from Proudhon, the anarchist?

Eric Clapton has just been saying how Jimmy Savile's career really took off in 1967 when, backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.

There's a new cocktail been created called The Sandy. It's like a Manhattan, only watered down.

Eric Clapton has just been saying how Jimmy Savile's career really took off in 1967 when, backstage at Top of the Pops, he introduced Cream to the Small Faces.

stolen from the popbitch email

wat insects is jimmy savlle most like???

3 centi-peads since tghe figure could be around 300.

freddy starr arressted in savile scandal,
sun head line
"Freddie star used my gerbil as a butt plug"