Jokes / Joke du jour!

I went into the butcher's and bet him £50 he couldn't get the meat down off the top shelf..

he said 'sorry mate, the steaks are too high'

ahahah
good'un

I went into the butcher's and bet him £50 he couldn't get the meat down off the top shelf..

he said 'sorry mate, the steaks are too high'

Went into a pet shop the othr day and asked if he had any canaries that I could get on finance, he said "Sorry I don't, but I do have some budgies on higher perches".

A friend of mine is gonna open up a pub atop the Himalayas, I think he's raising the bar too high.

I explained to the doctor, "Whenever I harvest our cornfields, I get a really bad headache."
"It's a migraine," he explained.
"No, it's not, it's mine. And why the fuck have you started speaking Italian?"

ok.... its not that bad

fuck no - that's magnificent.

lolz reppd

Crumb sheep.

What do you get if cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Killed in a Tunnel.

Two ducks are sitting in a bathtub. The first duck asks, "Would you pass the soap," and the other duck replies, "What do I look like, a typewriter?"

What's the difference between a duck?
One of its legs are both the same.

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest feeling very fed up because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown like other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.
Anyway...this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother. He begs her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."
The Fairy Godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"
The toad looks down and sees that he's brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the Fairy Godmother:
"Wait a minute! My willy's still yellow!"
To this the Fairy Godmother replies: "I don't do willys. You will have to see the The Wizard of Oz for that."
The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.
There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same Fairy Godmother. He implores her: "Fairy Godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me
from a mile off."
She, being a nice Fairy Godmother, takes out her magic wand and says: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"
The bear looks down and sees the he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple. He says: "My willy is still purple!"
She says: "I don't do willys, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The wizard of Oz?"

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy .....just follow the yellow dick toad!"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy"London"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least

8 characters long and include at least one capital.

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Got on a plane the other day and the guy next to me was called Parry Man, I was beside myself!

Son turns to his dad and says "I had sex for the first time last night"
Dad ebams at him "well done son! Did you wear something?"
"Of course I did" he replied "a balaclava"

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

One day little Johnny comes home one day from school and his mom asks him how his day was.
He replies, "Mom, today I had sex with the teacher!"
Immediately she was angry. She said, "just wait 'till your dad gets home, he's going to be very mad at you. Go to your room!"
So the boy goes to his room and finally his dad is home and comes up to the room. The boy tells his dad and the dad is proud of the boy.
"Great job son! How old are you 12? 13? How about we go down to the store and get that shiny red bicycle you wanted?"
So, they go to the store and the dad buys the bike for his son. Then he says, "well Johnny, do you want to ride the bike home?"
The boy answers, " No, that's okay Dad, My ass is still sore!"

in stitches laughing

Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

This is like one of those Urban Myths. I first heard this in a dutch video, where supposedly it was also real.

just noticed loads of others said that too. I'm reading this thread late.

This is like one of those Urban Myths. I first heard this in a dutch video, where supposedly it was also real.

Indeed, it's a fake, but a very funny one.

Believable too.

A woman walks into the drycleaners with a white stained shirt. "Can you clean this please?" she asks. The man is partially deaf. "Come again?" She replies: "No, it's yogurt"

Tee hee!

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat came up and flashed them. One old lady immediately had a stroke. The other couldn't quite reach.

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong, leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors described his condition as stable.