Jokes / Joke du jour!

Whats the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

bwahahaaa!

haha, its funny because its true

Thanks for the awesome jokes guys, I need cheering up, I just found out a good friend of mine has just died of dyslexia.

He choked on his own Vimto.

I had a similar shock at xmas when I heard a good friend of mine drowned in a vat of xmas cake mix

Very strong currants apparantly

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter note, is now the only gay in the village.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air ballon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

This is still my favourite:

Paddy asks Mick "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?" Mick replies "Paddy you stupid cunt, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat"

or the one who walked into a bra.....

or the one who turned up at a toga party dressed as a goat...

Man walks into a pole

Offers him a job

Man walks into a pole

Offers him a job

Hah!

What do you call a frenchman in sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

'If the enemy is in range, so are you...'

• Air Force Journal
  ------------
  'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
  U.S. Air Force Manual
  -----------
  'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never watched a bomb explode over Nagasaki or Hiroshoma.'
  General MacArthur
  ------------
  'Tracers work both ways.'
  U.S. Air Force Manual
  ------------
  'Never tell the Drill Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
  Unknown Air Force Recruit
  ------------
  If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
  USAF Ammo Troop
  ------------
  'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
  
  

Unknown Air Force Pilot

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

• Boeing Test Pilot
  ------------
  'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
  
  

Unknown Air Force Pilot

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, unsafe.'

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

'Even with ammunition, the Air Force is just another expensive flying club..'

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up ... The pilot dies..'

'Never trade luck for skill.'

The three most common expressions (famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?' 'Where are we?' And 'Oh S...!'

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation: we've never left one up there!'

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world: it can just barely kill you.'

Northrop Test Pilot

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

A sign over squadron operations desk at Davis-Monthan Air Force base, Arizona

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'
Lockheed Test Pilot

Nice, I like aviation related humour.

On a slightly related note:

Two Irish hunters went on holiday to Canada and got a pilot to fly them to the wilderness to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.” Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy, Mick & the pilot survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick looked around. “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”

I've heard that so many times but I still love it.

Good ol' Paddy and Mick.

Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

My friend wanted to try beastiality, necrophilia and sadomasicism.

But I told him he was flogging a dead horse.

A man goes into a pub and bangs his head against the bar in anger before ordering a scotch. The barman obliges and asks what's bothering him.
"It's nothing. Just that all lawyers are arseholes.."
"Excuse me!" Says a lone man sitting behind them "I take offence to that comment.."
"What! What are you a lawyer or something?"
"No.... I'm an arsehole"

Nice!

I'm sure this must be a re-post as it is old as the hills:

A man is walking along a beach, when he finds a bunch of lawyers buried up to their necks in the sand, he then notices the tide is coming in rather fast and they are right in it's way. You know what? That was just the start of a great day.

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the Mouton Rothschild 1928.

The waiter returns cradling a bottle of the precious wine and pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, sniffs the wine, then puts it down on the table with a disdainful sneer: "This is NOT the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter animatedly assures him it is - and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table - including the maître'd, the chef, and the manager - trying to convince the man that the wine is indeed the 1928 Mouton.

Finally, in exasperation, the manager asks him how he can be so certain that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Philippe de Rothschild, and I make that wine."

Hearing this, the waiter hangs his head forlornly in defeat and confesses that he had poured the Clerc Milon 1928.

"I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon: the vineyard is in the same village as Mouton; you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cépage. You crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels, you bottle at the same time; you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a minute and negligible difference in geographical location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter to come closer, and whispers in his ear: "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both fingers. You will understand the difference a minute variation in geographic location makes.

That's shit jaw.

Guy meets a girl on a night out, things go well and they head back his flat.

In his bedroom the girl notices a massive gong on the wall. She
inquires "what's that?"
... See more
He replies "oh, that's my talking clock".

Puzzled she asked him what he means.

"Watch" he says, picking up the hammer and banging the gong as loud as he can.

Through the wall she hears

"WILL YOU KEEP IT DOWN, IT'S 3'OCLOCK IN THE BLOODY MORNING!"

Why does Karl Marx only use teabags?
Cause proper tea is theft.

Why shouldnt you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout

Why shouldnt you buy Russian underpants?

Because Chernobyl fallout

I hate to be pedantic but Chernobyl is in the Ukraine. Russian underpants are probably still shit though[t].