Jokes / Joke du jour!

Pat is out of work, so he approaches his pal Mick and asks him about getting work at the building site where he's a labourer.

"Ah, begorrah", says Mick. "Tis easy. The foreman will just ask you a simple question like, 'Do you know the difference between a joist and a girder?' and if you can answer that, you'll get taken on."

"Oh, I can answer that, to be sure", says Pat. And off he trots to see the foreman.

"Can I have a job, sir?", asks Pat.

"Can you tell me the difference between a joist and a girder?", asks the foreman.

"I can that", answers Pat. "Girder wrote Faust and Joist wrote Ulysses."

Paddy and Mick are sitting in a bar, Paddy asks Mick "Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?" Mick replies "Paddy you stupid cunt, if they fell forwards they'd still be on the fucking boat"

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa stops after three Hos.

did you hear about the dyslexic satanist?

he sold his soul to santa

Did you hear about the insomniac dyslexic agnostic?

He lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

stevie wonder was given a cheese grater last christmas he said it was the best book he ever read

Whats the fastest thing on land?

Stevie Wonder's speedboat.

Just for future reference, where do we draw the line with regards to PC-ness on jokes here?

I made a bit of a faux par with one. I think it depends on whos reading, nothing offends me, please try though.

A paving slap and some astroturf go out on the town for some drinks.
Paving slab keeps going on about how hard he is and how he's won thousands of pub brawls over the years.
They end up in a club and are both pretty fired up and looking for a fight.
Some green tarmac barges past the paving slab and just turns around and tells them to fuck off.
Paving slab keeps quiet.
Astroturf asks why he didn't do anything.
"I'm not messing with him mate, he's a fucking cyclepath!"

Since Susan Boyle has been on TV all over the world, there's been a marked reduction in Islamic suicide bombings.
Apparently terrorists are no longer as keen to get to paradise now they know what a virgin looks like.

It was the happiest day of my life.
Arrived at the church.
Wife waiting at the altar.
Walked up the Aisle.
Kissed her on the cheek.
Smiled.
And closed the fucking lid!

now my fav joke from Germany. i'm trying to give a proper translation:

There's a farmer who owns a laying battery packed with hardworking hens.
To sweeten their prosy lifes he decides one day:
"I gotta buy a breeding cock. One hell of a guy, that shows them the good life!"

So the farmer walks to an auction and acquires a real showpiece.
The next night the cock attends to ALL of the hens.
This guy was even better than the farmer could have imagined...
The night after the cock fucked all pigs. One day later the cattle came to his attention.
When one week had passed that peacocky cock had fucked every animal on the farm twice at least.

The farmer was pleased. That cock was really doing a great job!
But the next morning when the farmer left his house he saw the cock lying in the middle of his dusty farmyard...with vultures already circling in the sky.
The farmer hurried to the cock, tears ran over his face and when he kneeled down next to the cock he sobbed: "Pls don't die. You are the pick of the bunch...you just cannot die!!"

The cock, without turning his head towards the farmer, whispered angrily:
"If you screw up romping these vultures...I'll fuck your wife!!"

A German family walking alongside a cliff, one of the kids pushes his brother off. He turns to his mum and says "Look Mum, no Hans".

Dickens walks into a pub.."no you dont" says the landlord "your bard"

A horse walks into a bar.
Barman says "why the long face?"

Horse says "i've got AIDS"

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Fuck her

hahah

Lionel Richie walks into a bar
The barman says "why the long face?"

Lionel says "i've got AIDS"

Craig David walks into a bar...

and says... Ya wot, Kes? Don't call her that, Kes! She's not a slag, she's me mum!

Paddy and Murphy are in a pub when in the corner they notice the landlords dog licking his genitals.Paddy says Jesus Murphy i wish i could do that Murphy replies if you give him a dog biscuit Paddy he will probably let you.

paddys wife goes to the doctor complaining that after ten years of marriage she had never had an orgasm. The doctor advised her to relax and use a fan to keep her cool during sex. Paddy refused to pay money for a fan and asked his mate if he would mind waving a towel while they made love, but still she didnt orgasm. Next day she asked Paddy if they could swap over. and so paddys mate made love to her and after 20 minutes of the best mind blowing sex she'd ever had, she orgasmed. Paddy looked at his mate and said.... "and that, my old son, is how to flap a fucking towel"..

Why did the little girl fall off the swing...?

She had no arms