Jokes / Joke du jour!

Why doesn't Michael Barrymore have any ashtrays?

He puts his fags out in the pool.

A man goes to the doctor and says that he's having trouble hearing.

Doctor says 'Please describe the symptoms'

So he says 'Homer is fat and bald, and Marge has blue hair'

;)

haha Duncan, good one

In Ireland, a young boy sits crying by the side of the road next to a wrecked car. A man walks past and asks what is wrong. "Both me parents were killed in the accident." The man is obviously concerned and asks if the boy would like him to fetch the priest. "No, thanks" says the boy " sex is the last thing on me mind right now"

Jeremy Beedl has a tiny cock. But on the other hand, its massive

Jeremy Beedl has a tiny cock. But on the other hand, its massive

I just spat out my drink! (classic, even with the typo ;)

I just snorted too

Doctor doctor I have an upset stomach
Well yes, I suspect you have... we found large amounts of braking fluid in there
Yeah but it's not a problem, I can stop whenever I want

Jeremy Beedl has a tiny cock. But on the other hand, its massive

Fucking good.

Doctor doctor I have an upset stomach
Well yes, I suspect you have... we found large amounts of braking fluid in there
Yeah but it's not a problem, I can stop whenever I want

Ha!

I just spat out my drink! (classic, even with the typo ;)

Poor typo I admit - the dangers of using a phone to access the forum. After my speech at my wedding, there was a pause whilst one of the ushers dug out some flowers for the bridesmaids - I still had the mic and someone yelled out to tell a joke. The only one I could remember was the Jeremy Beedle one. I just managed to hold it back....

BEFORE YOU READ THIS JOKE, PLEASE BE AWARE IT MAY OFFEND

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang rape

Jokes about rape are never funny. That one is a case in point.

I hope it never happens to anyone you care about.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first
replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Jokes about rape are never funny. That one is a case in point.

I hope it never happens to anyone you care about.

I agree, it's not funny. Unless you're talking about clown rape. Then it's hilarious.

Doctor doctor everytime i make love to my wife her toes twitch.

Have you tried removing her tights before you start

Doctor doctor my feaces keeps coming out like chips

try lifting your string vest before using the toilet

What do you call a Fly with no wings?

A Walk.

(haven't read through the thread, hope this isn't a re-post)

A frog walks into a bank , he sits at the desk and the banker say's
"hi my names Paddywack, can i take your name"
"Kermit Jagger" The frog replies
"As in Mick Jagger?"
"Yeah, he's my dad" says the frog
"and how can i help?" the banker asks
"I'd like to organise a loan" say's the frog, "but all i have for collateral is this"
The frog hands the banker a small pink elephant
"...Ok" says the banker, somewhat confused "I'll just have to chek this with my manager"
Paddywack shows the pink elephant to his manager and says "I've got a frog in my office, says his name's Kermit Jagger, he wants to organize a loan but this pink elephant is all he has for collateral, I'm not really sure what it is"
The Bank manager replies
"It's a nick-nack paddywack, give the frog a loan, his old man's a rollingstone"

Lol!!!!

Micky mouse is involved in divorce proceedings with mini mouce the judge presiding over the case says "mr mouse i don't think the fact your wife has buck teeth is reasonable grounds for divorce." Micky mouse replies i did not say she had buck teeth i said she was fucking Goofy