Jokes / Joke du jour!

A friend of mine had a period of being obsessed with units of measurement.
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It lasted knot furlong

My friend, the Prince, was worried about measuring up to his father, the King.

I said "don't worry, one day you'll be a great ruler."

Watching the Matrix and ms_com just cracked a great pun. "Is he the one? Or is he the 1100100101?"

Stolen shamelessly from the Guardian crossword comments:

Boris Johnson walks into a Bank. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, Prime Minister.
Cashier: Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.
BJ: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.
Cashier: I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.
BJ: Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque.

Cashier: Alright sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without an ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the Thames into a cup of tea held by the bank's chairman without spilling a drop. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Gordon Ramsay came in without an ID. To prove who he was, he made delicious chicken parm right here on my table, called the branch manager a f**king donkey, and fired everyone at the fish and chips joint next door. With that we knew who he was and cashed his cheque. So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?

Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank. There is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do."
Cashier: That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?

Trigger alert: this one is pretty bad.

I named my dog ‘Five Miles’ so I could say I walked five miles every day :-)

This morning I ran over five miles :-(

One of the best deliveries of a joke ever. Sadly he died yesterday.

Three lawyers and three MBAs traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three lawyers buy only a single ticket. ‘How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?’ asks an MBA. ‘Watch and you’ll see’ answers a lawyer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three lawyers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, ‘Ticket, please.’ The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the lawyers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the lawyers don’t buy a ticket at all. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asks one perplexed MBA. ‘This time we can’t tell you,’ says one of the lawyers, ‘it’s a professional secret.’

When they all board the train the three MBAs cram into a restroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the lawyers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‘Ticket please.’

I fell asleep last night whilst doing a jigsaw
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I woke up this morning with a puzzled look on my face

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.
Who was that?" asked his wife.
Just some drunk guy asking for a push,"
Did you help him?" she asks.
No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"
Well, you have a short memory. Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and
those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?" Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!"... replies the drunk.

6 Music listener?!

6 Music listener?!

Was the man drunk last night ?

Stolen from a friend, who I suspect is!

What do the Schwalbe employees wear to Oktoberfest?
Shraederhosen

surely this is just to impresta management.

I woods have thought so.

No traditional brass band at Oktoberfest this year. The organisers wanted to go tuba-less.

What goes in and out and smells of wee?

Your grandparents doing the hokey-cokey

What's posh and yellow?

The royal wee

A friend of mine has just paid a bill for plastering his living room
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It was for services rendered

An electrician friend of mine is returning to work after illness
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They're currently on light duties

A rather hands on french hydrologist friend of mine has been diagnosed with depression
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They've been feeling l'eau

I have a friend who normally works as a driver for a cess pit company. He has been consistently late for some time and his employer has decided to demote him. Not surprisingly he’s down in the dumps.

Shit joke.

Why should you not buy your underpants from the former Soviet Union.

Because your chernobylfallout

Toilet humour isn't my favourite topic to joke about, but it's a solid #2