Jokes / Joke du jour!

Care homes around the country erupt with weak laughter.

I heard the person who created that joke tried to stay relevant by creating edgy memes:

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Welllllll.
Sod the lot of yer!

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A friend of mine washed up on a desert island with nothing but tins of reddish brown paint and fabric whose fibres were matted together
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They felt marooned

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.

Always wondered why I got on so well with women, so I did some digging. Turns out I actually am half woman, on my mum's side.

I was at the athletics track earlier, and I saw a man carrying a very long stick. I said “are you a pole vaulter!” and he replied “No, I’m German, but how did you know my name?”

The German founder of the athletics event of jumping over short fences interspersed with sprints has sadly passed away
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Rest in peace Herr D'Lerr

A friend of mine has invested in a deer cloning business
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They're hoping to make a quick buck

A few bucks..surely?

A friend of mine painted a portrait of a deer using a brush in each hand
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They're bambidextrous

A friend of mine asked his father for the best place to hunt deer in Italy
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' you need to go to Venice , son '

Yes I'm quite fawned of that

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

I've no idea.

I don't know what do ...
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For bucks sake I nearly fell for that one

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?

A friend of mine who's an expert on Cervidae 's favourite song is
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' elk-come to the jungle ' by guns 'n' roe-ses

What do you call a deer with a hole through it?

A doenut.

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs that's fucking another deer?

something something Fucking no deer eyes

Bloody love hacker, says cockers on kids TV all day and gets away with it.

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^Part one of the holy trinity, gently delivered in succession to paralyse your audience:

(1) My wife laughed at me when I suggested building a bicycle out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.

(2) My wife eventually left me due to my obsession with pasta. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

(3) You'd think she'd be able to forgive me, I just made a fusilli mistakes...

A friend of mine has just missed the opportunity to acquire a sailing ship at auction
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They think it was rigged

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it's only a murder if there's probable caws

A friend of mine swears he's just sailed through orange fizzy water
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I think they're in the realms of Fanta sea