Jokes / Joke du jour!

Sad news

Eddie Large has passed .

I know ... it's a big loss ...

Apparently Kevin Bacon was diagnosed with Covid-19 last week. But it’s ok, he’s cured.

Just tried to phone mum for a chat, but she was out so I've left a message saying I've reported her to the police.

Oh! Stealing that

What do you call a magician that's lost his magic?

Ian.

Ouch

The coach said as part of my routine I should drink a protein shake at 3 am.

I thought that's whey past my bedtime.

Fantastic :-)

I’ve swapped all the labels in our spice rack. My partner hasn’t noticed yet but the thyme is cumin

Love it.

you should always pick thyme after dark, as night thyme is the right thyme

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Sage advice

I saw a guy in Tesco this morning cramming his trolley with crates of San Miguel, packets of paella mix, chorizo and several pairs of castanets. I thought “Hispanic buying.”

Stolen

For anyone struggling to find castanets

I managed to get some via

click and collect

https://twitter.com/DocAtCDI/status/1247987071530213377?s=09

Young man has just been brought into A&E following a car collision with a lorry.

The man wakes up on a trolley, in a cubicle, in recovery ward, after emergency surgery.

Body all fine, but there’s nothing between his legs, he is completely bereft.

Surgeon enters the cubicle and says, ‘looking at your face you probably taken a peek’, pointing his pen towards the mans crotch, still reading the medical clipboard at the end of the trolley.

But don’t worry said the surgeon, it’s your lucky day. As we are the only hospital in the UK who successfully carry out penil transplants.

Surgeon went on to say, ‘However these procedures are not provided by the NHS only private medical. But we have a good selection’.

The man asks for more detail. So the surgeon hands him a brochure..

1. English standard - £1,000
   
2. Scottish preserve under kilt for 20 years -£3,000
   
3. West Indian classic -£5,000
   
   

The man says, that’s good to know, but I can’t make any financial decision without my wife.

So the surgeon says, ‘yes I understand, is your wife here at the hospital?’

The man says, ‘yes waiting in the A&E reception’

Surgeon fetches wife and leaves them both to discuss.

The surgeon returns, still clutching his pen asks, what have you decided’.

The man replies looking at his wife ‘we are having a new kitchen’.

hahaha

Oh boy. You are so much in the shit with that joke.

Also, what's a 'penil'?

I cannot remember how to write the numbers 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID

V good

From whey past are all v goid

The spread of COVID-19 is based on two factors

1. How dense the population is
   
2. How dense the population is
   

I was driving the wife mad, so she said, "if you’re bored stuck at home why not make a bird table?" now she’s not talking to me because I put her in 7th place.