Jokes / Joke du jour!

to soon

Hehehe

Whoa son! :-D

Dat ass dough!

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Put the bin out last night and the whole street applauded. Never felt prouder.

A man in hospital is one of the first to use the new Dyson ventilators. Doctors say he's picking up nicely.

Our story starts with a plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps.

Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps.

The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps.

Angela said to the ten year old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting."

The 10 year old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

After confirmation yesterday Boris Johnson had tested positive for the Corona virus, he was this morning given the all clear, scientifically proving he is a man of cardboard, and not a man of steel.

I didn't quite get that ^ right, not quite evoking enough of a sense of Boris the lingering virus....

Another attempt....

Reports this morning Larry the resident cat at Number 10 Downing St, was caught making a curfew busting escape from the Prime Ministers residence under the cover of darkness late last night.

Larry's lawyer read out a statement from his client this morning "Yesterday I was condemned to the prospect of 2 weeks isolation with Boris and his incessant lingering, his unacceptable standards of cleaning and grooming, his visibly terrible social distancing practices, not to mention enjoying extended periods of play in the litter tray"

He added "That put me in an untenable position, so it was with heavy heart I made the decision to abdicate from my duties at Number 10, and attempt to flee London, retracing the steps of my great ancestor who came to London with Dick Whittington all those years ago, risking the potentially fatal but preferred embrace of the Corona virus in the process"

Security personnel thwarted the attempt at 3am this morning after a tip off. At the last moment a call from the upstairs landing raised the alarm, and in an amazing act of betrayal the tip off came from Larry's grey son, "shut that door!"

(gets coat and exits stage left for my daily permitted walk, alone obvs)

Are you mentally ill?

Harsh, was it that bad?

I'm in good physical and mental health thanks, though clearly no comedian.

I chuckled at the bojo one but I don't get the cat joke.

Larry Grayson was a British comedian and TV presenter who's catchphrase was "Shut that door".

Even if you knew that, the joke was still shit.

A young woman walks into the supermarket at Woolwich and on her way round she sees the bloke who had his wicked way with her the previous evening, after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.
"You lying Bastard" she yells" last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"
"No" he says "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team"

That joke is at least a week old as the pubs shut a week last Friday.

In the beginning of this thread I remember somebody wrote out a joke that was almost a whole page long and totally pointless. See if I can find it.

Here we are:

https://www.lfgss.com/comments/7363034/

Fucking hell!

Yeah got through about four paragraphs of that, skipped (a VERY long way) to the end and was disappointed. Funny that you remembered it.

As a bonus, only works with an American pronunciation.

Man: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present.
Cop: You ARE the lawyer.
Man: So where's my present?

Haha. That's great.

Classic shaggy dog story

Not many Corona jokes yet.
#toosoon?

Not many Corona jokes yet.

https://www.lfgss.com/comments/15150677/

Is a great one. And my personal favourite:

I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.

Haha, that's gold!