Awkward Moments

That's amazing! In fact most of these stories are. Starting this thread was a great idea

Cringe.

I worked as a SSCO in the PE department of a well known 'entertainment school' in London, and one day the deputy head wandered down to see how things were going. He was a black guy, very laid back, pretty cool and the kids thought he was ace. He wandered in and proceeded to high five our BB coach, and shake hands with the HoD. "You must be Mark, our latest cool PE member" he said warmly, and proceeded to walk over to greet me.

I have no idea what happened, but I misread his 'fist-bump' entirely, and clamped my hand over his; almost as if we'd been having a game of Paper-Scissors-Stone', and for nearly five seconds I simply held his hand. With a forced smile, he mumbled and left the office. My colleagues paused, and then pissed themselves for about a year at my lack of street etiquette.

this is a brilliant thread!

^^ that's good.

Approaching a very tricky section on a MTB night ride with a new rider, I stopped and suggested that he take extra care, before falling arse over tit, bending my fingers right back, almost blacking out and causing finger tendon damage that is still weak almost 4 years later.

^ Ooopsie!

^^^^^

..calling your teacher 'mum' at school

[INDENT]...being called 'Mum' at school.
[/INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT] Bad enough that I was sometimes called 'Dad'.
[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]

Just even talking to a lass.

I am so shit at small talk it's embarrassing and I know it is.

Ergo, I can't do small talk.

When I was but a nipper, I was in Barcelona and I met a lovely Polish girl.

There were ads for gum on the television at the time where the tagline was something like 'Minty fresh!'

On our first date, in between the beers, she was chewing gum. At some point I kissed her, and directly after I said 'Minty fresh!' Complete with comedy faux-Spanish accent. 'Meeenty fresh!'

I went home on my own. It was a bit of a walk.

I fucking lol'ed hard.

I am a magnet for awkward moments myself, such elaborate multi layered fuckups. Would put Ben Stiller characters to shame. And therefore, I will only not put on the internet. Ask me IRL and I shall spill a tale or two that will have you spit your milk

My mate Neil is 6'6". He looks like a friendly version of the The Kurgan off Highlander.
Because of his height he has a thing for tall girls, and they have a thing for him.

Anyway, he met a really beautiful woman in a pub, handed her his number and arranged to go on a date.
The problem was, they were so dazzled by each other that they couldn't face going on a first date alone. They needed wingmen/wingwomen.
She arranged to go out with a few friends then meet The Kurgan at eight. He pleaded for me to be his wingman. I couldn't do it - I was on holiday in Crete. He begged me, and I CHANGED MY FLIGHTS TO COME HOME A DAY EARLY.
Top mate, I know.
Anyhoo, the day came, I flew home, unpacked my duty free gin then met my mate in the pub.
Half an hour later this lass rocks up with her mates. I thought I might try hitting on one of them, but my uncanny ability to guess a girl's bra size in a single glance didn't seem to impress.
These lasses had a drink, we all chatted nicely, then prepared to leave the lovebirds to it.
But I noticed they had both frozen. Sweating, nervous, they weren't even talking, just grinning madly at each other.
The Kurgan collared me.
"Don't go!! Don't leave us! I haven't got a fucking clue what to say or do! I've lost it!!"
I agree to stick around for another pint.
The other girls have gone, so it's me and these two nutters.
I keep the conversation rolling a bit while quickly downing my pint. I try to leave but the lass won't let me.
"Don't go!! We... we need you to stay!"
She's shitting it too!! They are obviously really into each other but haven't got a clue how to express it. I'm feeling distinctly uncomfortable at this point, but I remember the wingman code of honour and stick it out.
Eventually I say I'm going. They want to come with me. I tell them my house is a wreck - literally. I was renovating it and the front room was a five foot pile of rubble and the only room not fucked was the bedroom.
They force me to let them come home with me.
I get drinks, and find them necking on my bed.
I sit on the rubble in my front room until midnight while thy cop off on my bed.
I let them get it on for a bit before I call time.
They both lived with their parents at the time and didn't want to go home, so I'm stuck with two drunk giants (who have finished off my duty free by the way) who want to get into my bed. I very reluctantly say they can stay, but literally the only place for me to sleep is the bedroom floor. The rest of the house is a bomb site. Yes, that's right, I let them have the bed.
I make them promise not to fuck, then I curl up on the floor under my manky holiday beach towel.
I drowse for a bit, then the noise starts.
The drawn out slurping, the muffled moaning.
She's sucking him off.
About two feet away from me.
"Stop that!"
I'm like their bloody mum.
Slurp slurp groan groan.
"Aww, give over, will you? I'm trying to kip and I'm freezing!"
Sluuuuuuuurp moan moan.
I give up, and lay there listening to my mate getting a mighty blow job in my bed while I lay on the floor like a fucking dog.
Next day there was zero eye contact.

A bit later they got married.
I told this story as my best man's speech.

Very, very awkward, but it was sweet revenge.

I told this story as my best man's speech.

Cruel but fair.

Such win for the best mans speech

better that, then one of the foffa stories

Reminds me of a couple actually, I'll wait until I'm at a computer before posting though.

I got to the Shoreditch end of Hackney Road, approached a bus and there was a gamine, very pretty girl sat by the window. We made eye contact and she smiled. She was lovely, elfin, think Nicole Kidman in Birth:

The lights were red so I pulled up next to her and put my hand out to lean on one of those crowd-control barriers on my left.

It was loose.

It was attached to anything. I started to topple and slowly tipped sideways and crashed to the ground. I was clipped in and scrabbling like a ladybird on its back. After about a year I managed to get up, face burning, the girl was looking straight ahead and her mouth was tense.

We never did get married.

Best best man speech story ever, as told by a guy I know:

http://jamiepbarker.blogspot.co.uk/2011/12/classic.html

I went to a wedding once where both bride and groom were bisexual, but neither were out to their (Irish) families. At the reception, the best man (the groom's wee brother) stands up and gives us a quick summary of what he'll be covering in his speech: "... and I'll be talking about the time insert groom's name here came out on national TV."

Happy couple's face freeze in terror. Those of us who are in the know nearly drop our wine glasses.

On he goes, through a cheerfully boring and quite long speech, completely unaware of the torture he's inflicting on the two people sitting to his left. Finally, he gets to an anecdote about how he turned on the TV to watch The Late Late Show where the theme that week was homosexuality in Ireland.

"And when they asked for questions from the audience, you wouldn't believe it but up pops my very own brother! And what do you think he says? 'As a gay man...' - Jesus,' I think, 'my big brother is gay!' - '... do you think the media gives a fair portrayal of blah blah blah' - 'Ooooooh,' I say 'he means the gay fella there on the panel.' Ha ha ha! Had you all there!"

After the speeches, Bride and groom had to be helped out of the dining room to find some strong drink.

Facebook - People you may know: has been dead for 2 years

/Adds friend anyway...

In relation to facebook awkwardness, when someone you unfriended during a facebook purge adds you again a few months/years later and you're like 'Did they realise I unfriended them and want to be friends with me so much they forgave my rejection and added me again or did they not give enough of a shit about me to notice I unfriended them and only added me again for superficial/insincere reasons?'

^ Second reason

Or FB Whores who don't actually like you but you add to the tally?

My ex wife keeps showing up in FB and G+ friend recommendations. Actively blocking her seems like a bizarrely passive-agressive action, so I just ignore it.