Your best responses during a road rage

Now I'm reading mantits but also have an erection.

mantits.

The massive dude didn't calm down but wanted to know what I was going to do about his broken mirror. I thought "get on bike and ride on home" but said "give me your insurance details and I'll be in touch". He either had no insurance or realised he had no case because he just told me to go- which I did and then he started shouting more abuse at me as I rode off....still- Man 1 - 0 Van

A guy swerved at me trying to scare me (far too close for comfort)... At lights I tapped a few times on his window with my d-lock. He cautiously opened his window where I said "that really wasn't very nice" which he replied with "f%#c*#%# p#%?€$ cyclist!"
I replied "have a nice day". Was so enraged that I turned pleasant

The massive dude didn't calm down but wanted to know what I was going to do about his broken mirror. I thought "get on bike and ride on home" but said "give me your insurance details and I'll be in touch". He either had no insurance or realised he had no case because he just told me to go- which I did and then he started shouting more abuse at me as I rode off....still- Man 1 - 0 Van

Well done for staying cool and collective :)

collected too.

some crazy bitch in a convertible was honking me while i was holding my line on a skinny road, got to the lights, i'm track standing as usual ;) light changes and she wheel spins making smoke just to try and over take me, shes shouting cyclist hate shit at me, i slow down and let the crazy bitch get past, half a mile down the road shes stuck in traffic for 2 miles, of course i just roll past every one, as i go past her she notices and just give her a really smug smile, felt great, no need to even say anything, she looked sooooo pissed.

did you take a shit on her bonnet?

Always shit on the bonnet.

^^ someone shat on my dad's windscreen for parking in some dudes spot! He does live in Stockholm mind

Don't shit on the bonnet.

Wait until it's raining (shouldn't take long this time of year) , then sneakily climb on to the roof of their car while they are stopped in traffic.

Squat over their windscreen - not so far forward so they can see your arse from their driving position - then quickly drop one out so it'll land on their windscreen and the wipers will smear it all over. Then quickly hop off and ride on.

Yep, OK will do.

A wise man once said, always shit on the bonnet. I live by it.

Just to be clear this is when the car is parked up with no one in it right?

they will never learn from their mistakes if you do it that way, they need to have their noses rubbed in it immediately so it is tied to their actions in their brains.

A thread on here isn't legit unless it involves shitting on something. Glad to see this delivers, yet again.

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I hate puppies.

Kick them every time!

Kittens all the way! So cute!

Sometimes I have a quiet giggle imagining that in real life you actually look somewhat like your avatar... :)

What avatar?

...my bad.

Holy thread-dredge Batman!

A taxi driver side-swiped me today. In the following "conversation" I noticed how difficult it is to spontaneously come up with responses to the kind of bullshit that gets thrown at you in these interactions. The few things that actually felt useful to say were things I remembered from previous descriptions of such conversations on here. So I thought it would be useful to start a list of things to say.

The serious reason is to give the driver your perspective in as few words as possible. You'll never win an argument with a crap driver, but something might stick if it's put in just a few words. Failing that, Oscar Wilde level wit or crude abuse is fine. Add to the list below or comment on what does and doesn't work in this respect.

1. Bullshit "Don't touch my car/you have no right to touch my car
   Response: "If I can touch it, it's too close."

2. Bullshit: I didn't see you
   Response: "Then you shouldn't be driving."

3. Bullshit: You were halfway in the road
   Response: "No, I was all the way in the road, now fuck off."

4. Bullshit: "My vehicle costs £bignumber!"
   Response: "It's still less important than my life."

5. Bullshit: "You don't pay road tax/you're a freeloader"
   Response: "You know even less about taxation than you do about driving"
   Response: "It's car tax, does this look like a car?"

6. Bullshit: "You've got no insurance/obligations, you could damage my vehicle and cycle off"
   Response: "I am insured."
   Response: "If I ever actually damage your vehicle, let me know."

It's not been the same since Lynchman left us, has it?